i don't want you to get the wrong impression. my friendships have not always been perfect. i have been hurt, brokenhearted, and betrayed. i am equally sure i have hurt others, broken hearts and betrayed trusts. i am not saying that with pride but i am being honest. i just want to acknowledge the imperfections of us all. if we are living and breathing, we are making mistakes. but we are also trying to be and do better. i can truly say that today, i am trying to be a better person; i am a better person. i do not betray trusts, i do not intentionally hurt others and i never set out to break anyone's heart.
being friends with someone is taking a chance. you take a chance that it will last; that you won't get your heart broken. you take a chance in sharing secrets - that your trust might be betrayed. but if it works, friendships can be a beautiful thing to share, a beautiful thing to behold. friendship is filled with magic and mystery; beauty and transformation. and, while you can choose to hide away and avoid real friendships so that you never have to worry about getting hurt, remember - even caterpillars emerge from their cocoons. if they did not, the world be deprived of the beauty and delight of butterflies and caterpillars would miss out on the opportunity to fly with the wind and play in sweet smelling flowers.
i have taken chance with friendships. some have worked out better than others. but i am not sorry i tried. yesterday i ran into a neighbor-friend who asked about an old friend. she said she looked for this friend at my mom's funeral and was surprised that this friend was not there. she said she knew that we were not speaking but did not think it was at the level where she would not at least come and pay her respects.
i laughed softly at my neighbor-friend's concern. she didn't know, didn't understand.she knew my old friend and i no longer spoke. but i guess she didn't realize my old friend had cut off all ties with me and i guess she didn't realize that my old friend had cut ties with our friends, our acquaintances, our everything and that i had been quite okay with that. she didn't realize this old friend had closed the door on anything that was part of our history and had branched out into a whole new life, becoming a whole new person. she didn't understand how a friendship like ours could end so abruptly and so permanently. but it could and it did.
was i sorry to see this friend go? no. our friendship had run its course and we both knew it. she was just the one to verbalize it. do i miss her? no. i am glad for what we had but we could never go back and i would never want to. had i expected to see her at my mom's funeral? no. in fact, i had not even thought to tell her; had not thought about her ... not in years.
the end of our friendship was laced with hurt, cruel words and broken hearts. i wish her the best and am, as i said, glad for the memories of what we had, but i am also clear on who i am, what i don't want in my life and what i want from a friendship. i want the magic and mystery, i want the beauty and transformation. i don't want, hurt, heartache, betrayal or cruel words. i want the good stuff, the fun. in fact ... i want it all (all the wonderful, fabulous, loving, caring, connected, open good) ; i will give it my all. because i deserve this ... and ... by the way ... so do you.
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