can you let go of your perceptions? Can you forgive yourself?

so i had the most interesting conversation today with someone. ironic the conversation took place in autumn, the day after a night of rain. it was all about how our perceptions of ourselves and our lives effect every other aspect of our life. I got it, my friend did not. That is not to say I always get it, but it is to say this was one of those conversations where I got it and was trying to help them get it.

autumn  - i love this season, it reminds me how beautiful letting go can be when done in a healthy environment, in a a healthy way, for the right reasons. We let go of what no longer fits, what no longer suits, what no longer works. we let go to have new, to have better; we let go to heal, to grow; we let go to be better, because it is time.

and rain - i love the rain, the feel of wetness and the rhythm of the drops, it enriches my soul. the morning after a night of rain is always a cleaner, purer, fresher day. as though the rain released and then washed away all the toxins. the aftermath is usually a day of sun, and sweet smells and lighter essences. so, when we release the toxins that hold us hostage and allow them to be washed away, we too emerge cleaner, sweeter and lighter in essence. 

sometimes in order to let go we have to acknowledge that the way we see things is not fact ... not truth - even though it may be a truth for us. In reality it is just a perception and a perception is a personal belief. further - a truth is not a fact. a truth is a perception you have based on what you know and truths change as your knowledge grows.

anyway, i was trying to get my friend to understand that their truths were really based on their perceptions, and that if they would forgive themselves, it would actually change their perceptions, and open them and their lives up to new possibilities. if my friend would begin by forgiving their self, they would be able to forgive others and that forgiveness would allow joy, love and healing into their life in whole new and unexpected ways.

i know how hard it is to do this work. to examine your perceptions, acknowledge that some are no longer relevant and then discard them. it is hard to forgive yourself and others, and leave yourself open to new possibilities. it is hard to let go of what has been our constant companion for so long, but that is how we get better, that is how we make room for new and improved in our lives. that is how we heal and grow.

i don't know if my friend really got it. i left them to think about what i said. but this i know for sure. forgiveness must start with forgiving yourself just as loving others begins with first loving ourselves. and we can't let go of things outside of our control if we don't first let go of the things within our control. it is hard work. sometimes it is sad work, at times it is angry work, but once done, a weight comes off and you feel lighter and airy. better... whole new possibilities begin to to open up and paths towards you are cleared.

my suggestion - go for it. take a chance on yourself. you are smarter than you realize. stronger than you know and more resilient than you believe. it is worth it and you will be glad you did. SO... today... forgive yourself, let go, release those toxins and then breathe in the cleaner, sweeter, lighter essence that is you. when you are done, be prepared for all the wonderfulness that has been waiting to come rushing to you...  be prepared... it will happen and it will be good. 

Have You Touched the Center of Your Sorrow - how to deal with sorrow

More on The Invitation… how to deal with sorrow

A while back, I shared with all of you some posts from a prior blog. They were on The Invitation. I missed one and thought I would share it with you today. It is on dealing with sorrow.

"It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it."

— from The Invitation, Oriah Mountain dreamer —

I have done all of those things and then some. I have experienced deep sorrow and ultimate betrayal by life. I have closed myself off from fear of further pain. I have just sat with my pain. Years ago, my uncle, a New York City hospital officer was gunned down by a major Columbian drug lord. Years later, my husband, a New York City police officer, was gunned down in the line of duty and my father, who was suffering through two kinds of cancer, died the very next day. At the time, my daughter was a little girl, and my husband and I were trying to have another child…

Those two events were so devastating that at times, all I could do was acknowledge the pain; all I could do was endure. The pain was so overwhelming, I shut down. I don’t even remember most of the events of the year following the deaths of my husband and father. And, when my life began to take on some form of normalcy again, I consciously chose to close myself off from further pain. I let no newcomers into my circle of friends and refused to have any dealings with men. I said I would never date again, never fall in love again.If that wasn’t enough, some of the people in my circle and my husband’s circle could not handle what happened and stopped dealing with my daughter and me. They said that being around us was a constant reminder of what happened and they could not handle that. So they chose to stop being in our lives. They were people who were important to me, but more than that; people who were important to my daughter. We learned to live without the two most important men in our lives and the absence of long-held friendships.

So, I have sat with pain, and just endured. I have closed myself off to avoid further pain. I have done all that. But, in the end, I learned to let go. First, I made new friends. Then, I freed myself of the bonds that the fear of the pain of loss cause and am now I am in a place of hope. I am now open to love; I am open to giving and receiving love. Hell, I’m even open to the knowledge that taking a chance on love also means the possibility of experiencing sorrow all over again… though I hope that doesn’t happen. Was letting go easy? Hell, no it wasn’t. Some of the people who were very close to my family dealt with the deaths by drinking to excess - a sure fire way to avoid facing pain. Some refused to cry, prided themselves on never shedding a tear. Even I even went through a period when I refused to cry. After all, many of us have been taught that tears are a sign of weakness. And, for a while, I was actually unable to cry. But one day, I was caught off guard and I cried. No, I sobbed…great, big, gut-wrenching tears. You know, painful, nose running, hiccup-causing, can’t see or breathe tears…tears so intense you feel like they will never stop. Yes, I cried those tears, and from then on, it was easier to cry. And I must admit, I still sometimes cry and it still hurts. But I believe that moment was the beginning of my cleansing and healing.

In the end, I think the most healing moments came when I just sat with my pain. It was like my skin for such a long time, it was hard not to acknowledge it. But, I mean I really sat with my pain; I examined it; I spoke to it; I let it speak to me. Those moments gave me insight into many aspects of my life, my marriage, my husband and my father. Those moments also gave me insight into where I was with my pain, Those moments are where I eventually found hope. Those moments are where I began to let go.

Today, examine your life. Are there areas of pain you have chosen not to deal with? Pull those painful memories out and begin to tackle them head on. Face your pain, acknowledge it, sit with it, speak to it. Cry if you can. Then determine to conquer your pain and let it go. First acknowledge there is a thing called hope that you can rely on. If you can do this, you can begin to move on.

Good morning heartache / Here we go again / Good morning heartache / You’re the one who knew me when / Might as well get use to you / hanging around / Good morning heartache / Sit down

— written by Irene Higgenbotham, Ervin Drake, and Dan Fisher originally recorded by jazz singer Billie Holiday in 1946) —

— written by angela skeetedavis (asd) —

photographs of the dance “Revelations” created by Alvin Ailey

Some Rain Must Fall

i am a big fan of rain. I like to dance and play in it. i like to stroll in it. i have even been known to grill outside in it. i don't just enjoy rain; i feel the rain. i am present for rain and appreciate every drop that falls. i open my arms to feel the rain caress every part of me. i open mouth to catch as many drops as possible and laugh as the raindrops soak my body and nourish my soul.

it rained last night and i went outside as usual to enjoy the rain. but it was not the same. i could not stay outside. i felt like the bird in the picture, hiding behind the flowers. i went inside the protection of my house to observe the rain from a distance. today it is raining and once again  i will be observing it from the peace and comfort of my home.

it is raining in my heart and that rain has begun to fill me up so there is no room for the rain outside. i am, however, aware that this is a temporary state. the rain inside me will fill to overflow and i will let it overflow. as it flows from me, i will begin to replace the rain with sunshine and moonlight. when i am filled with sunshine and moonlight, the overflow will spread to others and i will once again be able to play in the rain. 

how do i know this? i believe. not only does rain fall outside in the world, it falls in our lives. but it does not last. the sun will shine again and the moon will, once again, light our path at night. cycles come and go. we live them and learn from them. but mostly, we just go on. into my life some rain has fallen. but i will go on.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote the poem The Rainy Day. in it, he writes" Into each life some rain must fall, Some days must be dark and dreary." i have put my own spin on this. forgive my inadequacy in comparison.

Listen sad heart! As you are repining;

Behind your clouds the sun’s still shining;

Your fate is the common fate of all,

Into each life some rain must fall,

But with supportive friends by your side

Your pain and heartache will soon subside

Your days will no longer be so dreary

Your heart will no longer be so weary

The darkness will fade into the sun’s light

And you, I promise, will be alright

So though some days will be dark and dreary

In time life will once again be quite cheery

I Will Hold On To The Hurt A While

please  bear with me as i navigate through this new phase of my life. it is true i saw it coming but we are never as prepared as we think we are or as we should be. while i am on this journey, i will share some of it with you ... my sISTA gIRLS. mayhaps it will help you as writing about it helps me. if not ... i apologize.

today i would like to share with you a part of a piece i have written. it is in part thanks to a friend and as this blog is for friendship, i thought it would be appropriate. i hope you enjoy it in the vein it was written

I Will Hold On To The Hurt A While

...

Yesterday

My friend took me away from the silence

For a while.

She brought me out into the world …

A world I had seen so very little of lately.

It was fun to people watch

To eat good food

Enjoy a new cocktail or two

But in the back of my mind

In the center of my stomach

Were old habits designed around you.

And yet … you were gone.

Sometimes you residing in my heart

 Is just not enough …

the pain and loss you experience upon the death of a loved one  ... be it family or friend ...is often 'unexplainable'. it is a journey that can only be understand by those who are travelling or have travelled it. if you are present with one who is on the journey, you are able to understand what you witness but the emotions that exist in the mind and heart are often so subtle and so frequently changing that they are hard to capture and hold in your hand. so watching is insufficient and to enter the heart or mind of another impossible. but for the friends who attempt to understand i say THANK YOU. we need you by our side ... to hold our hand when we are drowning, to keep us from going under. we need you to help us adjust our wings when we are ready to fly again. we need your shoulders to lean on, your ears to listen and your heart to understand when we are broken open. to all those going through something i say keep going ... you will get to the other side. for all friends watching i say, thank you

you know what they say ... when the going gets tougher ... so do we

until next time ... take care of you!!!!

breathe

i think i am back ...

It is ironic that a little over a week ago I was speaking of going thru the valley of dust with the expectation of emerging on the other side. Just a day later my mom passed. No matter how a loved one suffers, it is hard to let go and say good-bye. Even if we believe the body just houses the soul, it is still hard to let go of that body … after all … we have grown to also love the body that houses the soul we love. We let go of the soul because we know it loves on but the body does not. It gets locked up and sealed away from us, never to be seen again. It is a necessary thing, but it is still hard to endure.

The thing I heard that was said by a friend at my mother’s viewing that truly touched me … “now I truly understand what it means to rest in peace” ... said because when you looked at my mom, you saw a frail, delicate woman whose face was marred by lines of agony and sunken in from the constant pain she suffered. Yet as she reposed in her casket, her face was soft, full and line-free. There was a smile on her face and she seemed to glow. Indeed her body was as at peace, as is her soul.

I am okay for now, sad that she is not literally here, but glad that she is not suffering.  I spent the last few years constantly at her side and so will miss her terribly. But I will go on … for me, for her, for my daughter. I will do it with the support of family, extended family and friends. I feel blessed to have had my mom as my mom for as long as I had her and I feel blessed to be surrounded and supported by family and friends. Anam Cara people in your life are indeed a blessing and a joy and I say thank you every day for their presence in mine.

I read a quote yesterday that inspired me to write out how I want to get through this period of my life. I would like to share it with you …

I will remember to breathe. I will remember that I have been through this before and survived. I will keep in mind that I will get through this and be okay. There will be moments when I am sad, anxious, scared, perhaps even unwilling to continue on. There will be moments when I feel life has beaten me down. But I have survived this … I can survive this. I will remember these feelings do not last, cannot break me. Moments of loss can be painful and debilitating but “joy will come in the morning”. How will I get through these moments? I will sit with them, face them, acknowledge them and let my being present with them allow them to ebb away. I will get through these moments knowing a turnaround will come. When the turnaround will come, I cannot say. But it will come.

 In the meantime,

My cup may be full but I will keep on breathing.

 I will fight the good fight as I keep on breathing.

 Letting hope be my guide as I get through tomorrow

I will keep on breathing till I surface on the other side

Keep on breathing…  one breath at a time

the valley

I am glad that there is love in the world and that there are compassionate people in the world. when we go through valleys of dust, it is nice to know there are people willing to travel through the dust to bring you water, people willing to stand on the other side of the valley and wait for you to emerge so they can provide you with food and clothing. Best, there are people willing to find you in the valley and, if you are not ready or unable to emerge, willingly abide with you so that do not have to go through the valley alone.

when life takes you to the valley
filled with nothing but
bones and stones and dust

when the sun rides high in a
pastel blue sky
and the heat beats
hard upon your brow

may a friend track you,
following your footsteps
til she finds you

may she bring
coolness to dry your brow
water to quench your thirst
food to satisfy your body

may she bring an ear for your troubles
a shoulder for you to lean on
a smile to heal your soul

may you walk strong through the valley together
may you find moments to dance
and opportunities to laugh

may you ... together
keep your footing and fight through storms
combat the heat and avoid cutting stones

may you weather it all, persevere 'til the end
and emerge from the valley
victorious with your friend

the rough side of the mountain

When my daughter was very young, we experienced a major tragedy. She dealt with it by burying herself in books. My friends and I dealt with it by playing music, lots of music. At that time, we played a lot of gospel music. My daughter’s favorite song, back then, was "I’m Going up the Rough Side of the Mountain".

One day I asked her why she liked the song so much. She said that the people who go up the rough side of the mountain are really lucky. They have rocks and things to hold on to   and to put their feet on and those rocks and things allow the climbers to get to the top. But, those going up the smooth side will never get to the top because the smooth side has nothing to hold on to and nowhere to put your feet. All those people will do is slide back down to the bottom. She said those who go up the rough side of the mountain are supposed to go over to the smooth side of the mountain to help up those who can’t get up there on their own.

What is that expression …“Out of the mouths of babes”?

So on this Friday may this be your moment of meditation …

Today let us befriend at least one of those going up the smooth side of the mountain.

Today let us reach down to help a fellow climber up the smooth side of the mountain to the mountaintop.

Today, if we are the one going up the smooth side, let us be “friended” by a fellow climber at the top.

Let us …then … enjoy the kindness of a friend who will help us to the mountaintop.

Let us all be grateful for the journey and the blessings along the way

Let us be grateful for the rough side of the mountain and the opportunity to make it to the top.

Let us all be grateful for friends