Dealing With a Grudge

been thinking a lot lately about friendship, being part of a team and liking people… or not. The Universe has supported me with this by providing me plenty of opportunity to realize some of my ways of thinking and being, on this topic, were wrong so that I could shift my way of thinking. The books I’ve been reading, the guided meditations I have chosen to listen to; they all manage to return me to the place I lately had no desire to visit - my perceptions of people and how I deal with them.

I don’t mean my perceptions of my friends or the people I like. I mean those people who rub me the wrong way… who make the hairs on my neck rise… who make me unconsciously sneer. I am actually thinking of two people. One who I believe snubbed me unnecessarily in a way that felt condescending and trifling. One who was disrespectful in a patronizing, arrogant, holier-than-thou way.

While both of the incidents happened weeks… and months ago. The events still “stick in my craw” - which is shameful. I practice love and kindness, and am working on letting go of things. Yet I have not been able to let go of this. My attitude actually came up during a discussion with a relative. He was surprised that I was holding on to a grudge - a hostile, acrimonious grudge. He was right to be surprised… and disappointed. I was holding onto the grudges with actual pleasure - glee even.

In fact, I was holding onto the grudges, waiting to see the people and… and…. And what? Even I couldn’t say what I was holding on to the grudges for. But I couldn’t seem to let them go. My relative suggested I speak to the people about my issues. But I felt my issues were really too petty for a face-to-face discussion. Why don’t i have a pretend conversation with them, he suggested. I have the conversation as if they were there without actually having them present.

Sure. Why not? Great idea, right? Except I wasn’t there. I wasn’t ready to let go yet. Why? That was the question of the day. Why? I have in the past rarely held a grudge, but these two felt good. I actually got a feel good-feeling from my private little bit of resentment. Shameful and yet still…  it felt good.

When I sat down and really thought about it, I realized it wasn’t the feelings about the incident that were bringing me pleasure, it was the habit. I had held the feelings long enough that I had become accustomed to them. They had taken up residence inside my heart… inside my spirit. That was not good. I am a hoarder and am working on letting go and getting rid of things. Realizing I had done the same thing with my feelings that I did with actual things (hoard and save) really made me re-evaluate things.

I do not want my heart or my spirit filled with negativity of any kind. I want to be filled with love, joy, light, and beauty. The negative feelings I was enjoying were not conducive to the environment I wanted to live in. So I did the work. Separately. For each person… each incident.

I thought about the incident and how it made me feel - remembering the incident like it was yesterday. Then I spoke aloud about the incident  - how it made me feel, all of how I felt. When I finished, I acknowledged my responsibility for the situation, my responsibility for where my feelings had taken me, for who I was being by allowing negative feelings to find space to take root.

Then I sat with all those feelings. I soaked them up, wallowed in them, became them, let them become me. When I was filled with all that “stuff” I let it spew. I said aloud to the invisible person all of my feelings  - about the situation, about them, about our relationship or lack thereof. I spoke until there was nothing left. And then I, feeling lighter and unburdened blew that shit out the door, turned my back and walked away.

A few days later I got sick - congested, sore throat, headache, malaise. It took me a minute, but I realized my body was finally purging itself of all the toxic crap that I was holding on to and didn’t even know. My body was doing what I had done with my heart and spirit - it was getting rid of the toxicity to make space for beautiful, loving possibility. And while I am not feeling my best right now, I know on the other side, I will feel better than ever - new attitude, open heart, loving feelings, while in better health.

As for the incident… what incident. I have totally moved on. What about the two people - well, I have left space for me to see them and treat them as the best renditions of themselves. I will hold them that way and hope they hold me the same. Life is a mirror sometimes and when they hold up the mirror of me, I want them to see love and connection - so that’s what I’m bringing. No matter what they bring. In this aspect of life, it’s all about me and what I’m bring to the table. And I’m bringing LoVe.

What if we could look into each other’s heart

I was just thinking about this quote today in relation to a new woman I have met who seems to push the buttons of moist of the people who don't really know her. The people who seem to have taken the time to know her, seem to love her. It was slightly confusing... until I remembered this quote. Then I understood. Her friends had taken the time to look into her heart and now understood her and in understanding her had grown to love her. It does make me wish, when we looked at people, we could see their hearts and souls and not just the outer packaging. I guess it is something I have to work n, inside me - to see past the outer trimmings to the goodness within. Anyway, as a result, I just had to re-post this

If we could look into each other’s heart and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance and care.

--Soul vision healing --

such a beautiful quote.

i have an acquaintance, she is a caring individual with a very abrupt, brusque manner. i have a relative, also very caring with a victim mentality. both of these individuals walk on the wild side when it comes to opinions and don't back down. even when they are the only one, and even in the midst of a crowd. they are also needy and don't know how to express their need.

people often tease them about their opinions and talk about them behind their backs. i wish i could say i never participate but that would be a lie. but i do always interject with a reminder that they are caring people who deserve love even if they are different. i try to understand the things that have brought them to where they are, and try to at least view them from a place of tolerance.

when i read this quote, it touched me. i thought of them immediately and knew i had to share it with you... my sISTA gIRLS.

i am sure in all of our lives, there are people who push our buttons, who make us a little crazy, who irk our nerves just a bit, who push us to our limits, take us to places we don't want us to go, and bring out in us the things we would rather never see. in the end, we should be grateful for these people, for their presence in our lives. they force us to see who we really are and to...at the same time...be better people.

so, the next time you are with one of these people...friend, relative, acquaintance, step back and try to look at them with eyes and heart wide open. try to see where they are coming from and why they are that way. perhaps you will be able to view them differently and then begin to treat them with caring and tolerance.

hey... think about it...you would want that if it were you i was talking about. as a matter of fact... that person i am talking about... just might be YOU.

friends who need our tolerance and care

If we could look into each other’s heart and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance and care.

--Soul vision healing --

such a beautiful quote.

i have an acquaintance, she is a caring individual with a very abrupt, brusque manner. i have a relative, also very caring with a victim mentality. both of these individuals walk on the wild side when it comes to opinions and don't back down. even when they are the only one, even in the midst of a crowd. they are also needy and don't know how to express their need.

people often tease them about their opinions and talk about them behind their backs. i wish i could say i never participate but that would be a lie. but i do always interject with a reminder that they are caring people who deserve love even if they are different. i try to understand the things that have brought them to where they are, and try to at least view them from a place of tolerance.

when i read this quote, it touched me. i thought of them immediately and knew i had to share it with you... my sISTA gIRLS.

 i am sure in all of our lives, there are people who push our buttons, who make us a little crazy, who irk our nerves just a bit, who push us to our limits - take us to places we don't want us to go, and bring out in us the things we would rather never see. in the end, we should be grateful for these people, for their presence in our lives. they force us to see who we really are and to...at the same time...be better people.

the next time you are with one of these people...friend, relative, acquaintance; step back and try to look at them with eyes and heart wide open. try to see where they are coming from and why they are that way. perhaps you will be able to view them differently and then begin to treat them with caring and tolerance.

hey... think about it...you would want that if it were you i was talking about. as a matter of fact... that person i am talking about... just might be YOU.