Dealing With a Grudge

been thinking a lot lately about friendship, being part of a team and liking people… or not. The Universe has supported me with this by providing me plenty of opportunity to realize some of my ways of thinking and being, on this topic, were wrong so that I could shift my way of thinking. The books I’ve been reading, the guided meditations I have chosen to listen to; they all manage to return me to the place I lately had no desire to visit - my perceptions of people and how I deal with them.

I don’t mean my perceptions of my friends or the people I like. I mean those people who rub me the wrong way… who make the hairs on my neck rise… who make me unconsciously sneer. I am actually thinking of two people. One who I believe snubbed me unnecessarily in a way that felt condescending and trifling. One who was disrespectful in a patronizing, arrogant, holier-than-thou way.

While both of the incidents happened weeks… and months ago. The events still “stick in my craw” - which is shameful. I practice love and kindness, and am working on letting go of things. Yet I have not been able to let go of this. My attitude actually came up during a discussion with a relative. He was surprised that I was holding on to a grudge - a hostile, acrimonious grudge. He was right to be surprised… and disappointed. I was holding onto the grudges with actual pleasure - glee even.

In fact, I was holding onto the grudges, waiting to see the people and… and…. And what? Even I couldn’t say what I was holding on to the grudges for. But I couldn’t seem to let them go. My relative suggested I speak to the people about my issues. But I felt my issues were really too petty for a face-to-face discussion. Why don’t i have a pretend conversation with them, he suggested. I have the conversation as if they were there without actually having them present.

Sure. Why not? Great idea, right? Except I wasn’t there. I wasn’t ready to let go yet. Why? That was the question of the day. Why? I have in the past rarely held a grudge, but these two felt good. I actually got a feel good-feeling from my private little bit of resentment. Shameful and yet still…  it felt good.

When I sat down and really thought about it, I realized it wasn’t the feelings about the incident that were bringing me pleasure, it was the habit. I had held the feelings long enough that I had become accustomed to them. They had taken up residence inside my heart… inside my spirit. That was not good. I am a hoarder and am working on letting go and getting rid of things. Realizing I had done the same thing with my feelings that I did with actual things (hoard and save) really made me re-evaluate things.

I do not want my heart or my spirit filled with negativity of any kind. I want to be filled with love, joy, light, and beauty. The negative feelings I was enjoying were not conducive to the environment I wanted to live in. So I did the work. Separately. For each person… each incident.

I thought about the incident and how it made me feel - remembering the incident like it was yesterday. Then I spoke aloud about the incident  - how it made me feel, all of how I felt. When I finished, I acknowledged my responsibility for the situation, my responsibility for where my feelings had taken me, for who I was being by allowing negative feelings to find space to take root.

Then I sat with all those feelings. I soaked them up, wallowed in them, became them, let them become me. When I was filled with all that “stuff” I let it spew. I said aloud to the invisible person all of my feelings  - about the situation, about them, about our relationship or lack thereof. I spoke until there was nothing left. And then I, feeling lighter and unburdened blew that shit out the door, turned my back and walked away.

A few days later I got sick - congested, sore throat, headache, malaise. It took me a minute, but I realized my body was finally purging itself of all the toxic crap that I was holding on to and didn’t even know. My body was doing what I had done with my heart and spirit - it was getting rid of the toxicity to make space for beautiful, loving possibility. And while I am not feeling my best right now, I know on the other side, I will feel better than ever - new attitude, open heart, loving feelings, while in better health.

As for the incident… what incident. I have totally moved on. What about the two people - well, I have left space for me to see them and treat them as the best renditions of themselves. I will hold them that way and hope they hold me the same. Life is a mirror sometimes and when they hold up the mirror of me, I want them to see love and connection - so that’s what I’m bringing. No matter what they bring. In this aspect of life, it’s all about me and what I’m bring to the table. And I’m bringing LoVe.

Creating Your Serenity or Sacred Space

Serenity Space

Serenity within you can lead to a serene world outside … especially if that is what you seek, and if you want to experience serenity within, a serenity space will do the job splendidly. A serenity space is an environment or a space that … just being there … fills your being with a sense of peace and comfort.

For me, it would be the back-porch of a home that overlooked water. There would be comfy chairs and plush cushions. There would be music … new age, chants,classical, piano, and soft sad jazz, like Naima by Coltrane. There would be incense and candles, lots of candles - all shapes, all sizes, some scented, some not, and some that crackled like wood in a fireplace. There would be blankets of all thicknesses; all soft and all long enough to wrap myself in. There would be books of prayer and meditation, and prayer beads. Oh, and I would keep a bottle of wine available and a bottle of whiskey. You never know when a glass of wine or a shot of whiskey will come in handy. They can help … and they taste delicious going down.

This serenity space really works for me on many levels. I like having my spot near water as water can be an incredibly tranquil sight. Combine that with the briny smell and the sound of waves crashing against the shore and I am in heaven. But, I need the security of my home for a feeling of safety. A back-porch allows me to separate myself from my house without actually having to leave it. The accessories are items that provide pleasure or comfort or both.

I can see it now. I come home from a long day. I change into something light, airy and comfy. I bring a glass with me out to the back porch … and some matches. I light the candles, turn on the music, pour myself a glass of a full-bodied wine and sit in one of the comfy chairs, while wrapped in one of the soft blankets. Facing the water, listening to the gentle ebb and flow of the tides, inhaling the sea air, leaning back and gazing up into a star-filled night … soon, very soon, I feel my muscles unwind and the tension slip from my limbs. Next, I feel my brain ease into a place of pleasure. Within minutes, I am once again in balance and at peace with my world. Yes, this would be my place of serenity, my sacred space, my place for spirit renewal.

But, I do not live near water.  Thus, for those of us who do not live near water, a back-porch without a view will work just as nicely. Or what about a place with a view of mountains, snow, gardens, or trees. Or a room with photos of tranquil sights hung on the walls and ensconced in attractive picture frames. Whatever room it is, wherever it is, most important is that the room itself makes you feel good.

Once you have the room or space, stock it with necessities and things that bring you pleasure. Not too many things. The room should feel peaceful and serene, not cluttered and cramped.

Serenity is best found when one is sharing space and time with nature so if you can't go to nature, bring some nature into your serenity space. Plants, seashells, flowers, or anything in nature that calms your soul and lifts your spirits is appropriate. Add some music or Serenity Space

Serenity within you can lead to a serene world outside … especially if that is what you seek, and if you want to experience serenity within, a serenity space will do the job splendidly. A serenity space is an environment or a space that … just being there … fills your being with a sense of peace and comfort.

For me, it would be the back-porch of a home that overlooked water. There would be comfy chairs and plush cushions. There would be music … new age, chants, and soft sad jazz, like Naima by Coltrane. There would be incense and candles, lots of candles; all shapes, all sizes, some scented, some not, and some that crackled like wood in a fireplace. There would be blankets of all thicknesses; all soft and all long enough to wrap myself in. There would even be a few books of prayer and meditation and prayer beads. Oh, and I would keep a few bottles of wine available and a bottle of whiskey. You never know when a glass of wine or a shot of whiskey will come in handy. They can help … and they taste delicious going down.

This serenity space really works for me on many levels. I like having my spot near water as water can be an incredibly tranquil sight. Combine that with the briny smell and the sound of waves crashing against the shore and I am in heaven. But, I need the security of my home for a feeling of safety. A back-porch allows me to separate myself from my house without actually having to leave it. The accessories are items that provide pleasure or comfort or both.

I can see it now. I come home from a long day. I change into something light, airy and comfy. I bring a glass with me out to the back porch … and some matches. I light the candles, turn on the music, pour myself a glass of a full-bodied wine and sit in one of the comfy chairs while wrapped in one of the soft blankets. Facing the water, listening to the gentle ebb and flow of the tides, inhaling the sea air, leaning back and gazing up into a star-filled night … soon, very soon, I feel my muscles unwind as the tension slips from my limbs. Next, I feel my brain ease into a place of pleasure. Within minutes, I am once again in balance and at peace with my world. Yes, this would be my place of serenity, my place for spirit renewal.

But, I do not live near water.  Thus, for those of us who do not live near water, a back-porch without a view will work just as nicely. What about a place with a view of mountains, snow, gardens, or trees. Or a room with photos of tranquil sights hung on the walls and ensconced in attractive picture frames. Whatever room it is, wherever it is, most important is that the room itself makes you feel good.

Once you have the room or space, stock it with necessities and things that bring you pleasure. Not too many things. The room should feel peaceful and serene, not cluttered and cramped.

Serenity is best found when one is sharing space and time with nature so if you can't go to nature, bring some nature into your serenity space. Plants, seashells, water or anything in nature that calms your soul and lifts your spirits is appropriate. Add some music and/or table fountains. Both are like a balm of peace to an agitated soul. Fill your room with wonderful smells and scents, like candles, oils, or incense. They can bring the room soothing energies that will help to bring you ease. Finally add to the room whatever gives you pleasure, relaxes your mind or soothes your soul. This will help to give the room a tranquil feel.

Whatever works for you; all that matters is the room gives you a sense of serenity when you need it. You see, we all need a place we can retreat to; a place where we can regain our balance, recharge our energy and even connect with our higher selves. Once you create a beautiful serenity space, just walking past this space will ease your soul.

So, follow your bliss, listen to your spirit, and heed your heart. If you do this, you will create a beautiful serenity space; a space where you can sit, relax, regroup and re-balance. You will create a space that is totally, beautifully, you and it will be good.

Maybe we are...

(photograph by The Hidden Garden)

A friend once asked me if i thought the world would be different if i had not be born.  it was an interesting concept and got me to wondering about people who bring special qualities or traits to the world. What about those who are known as strong or brave or wise or smart or talented? We admire those qualities and some of us long for those qualities… or to be those people. But, i wonder, are they always happy to be known for their quality? Do they always want to be their quality?  I think not - any label - good or bad, is limiting. We don’t know…

maybe the smart wish

they could be naive for a day and watch as

people look askance at what

being unaware looks like

and maybe the wise sometimes long to

give foolish responses that no one would notice…

right away

maybe the brave dream about hiding

from danger

and the happy long for a good, hard cry

maybe the truly independent

are lonely

and looking for

just one last word or glance

from someone… anyone

maybe the bad long to be good

and the evil crave the chance to be angelic

just as the right wish once to be wrong

maybe the lost really know where the path is

the confused know what lies ahead

and the committed long to act with reckless abandon

maybe yesterday knows what tomorrow will bring

as an infant remembers a heartbeat

and snow what it feels like to be rain

maybe we lose ourselves in the rhythm

only to find ourselves in the pages of a book

hoping the reader will get on with it…

and change the page

maybe daylight is waiting for the light to fade

as darkness awaits the stars

and maybe the trees have seen enough

and long one day to walk away..

either way, we are who we are

and what we are

…

but aren’t there moments when

we long to lose it for just a while

if for no other reason than to celebrate

when we return home

to who and what we are…

ahhh…  

-- asd --

let's All Be "Whimspiragical"

Let’s All be Whimspiragical!!!

Whimspiragical - whimsical, inspirational and magical

I want the soul of my life to be orange!! Orange combines the energy of red and the happiness of yellow. It is associated with joy and sunshine. Orange represents enthusiasm, fascination, and happiness. It signifies creativity, determination, attraction, success, encouragement, and stimulation. Orange is not as hot headed as red, but is still a bit feisty. The advantage of being orange is you don’t stay angry or sad, you shift easily…  becoming warm, happy and friendly like yellow!

An orange life is a life grounded in, and in touch with, mother nature. Those living an orange life love music. They usually have a song or a tune for the special moments of their lives; they tend to associate people, places, and events with music; they sing and dance with abandon;  and become the rhythm and the melody of nature. They often walk to their own beat- in step with the rhythm of nature

Souls living an orange life are in touch with the natural world. They enjoy every season, knowing each one holds its own special charm, and appreciate the necessity for each - knowing it maintains the balance of nature. They love animals and flora and fauna. Orange lifers stop to smell the roses, respect animals and will find a way to help anyone - person or animal in need, wherever and whenever possible.

Orange life livers are in tune with their creativity. They listen to their inner voice and look for opportunity to spend time creatively. Orange life livers are aware that one’s creativity is one’s inner voice. They realize when we allow our inner voices to shine, we shine as well, and our light grows brighter.

Orange life livers are outrageous. They are firm believers in dreams; and in loving, laughing, being vulnerable, and sitting in serenity. They find time to do all they want and need. They accept their vulnerability and open themselves up - knowing openness exposes them to possibilities. They spend quiet time - knowing serenity is necessary to keep themselves in balance. They look for opportunities to laugh - to share laughter, encourage laughter and don’t even mind being the brunt of healthy, positive laughter- knowing laughter is healing.

(photograph by The Hidden Garden)

You can see why I want the soul of an orange life. But it is  more than this. Mostly, as an orange life, I get to be with love. This is important to me because I want to love so completely, I become love. Orange life livers believe in the beauty and joy that love brings. It fills them, spills from them, and flows out into the world. They are lovers and light bearers through that love. They change the world - one person at a time.

And so, I want to be a soul in an orange life. No… stop… I am the soul of an orange life. I am a creative being who needs time to laugh and to be serene. I need time in nature and time to be alone. I need to sing and to dance, and to express the music that is inside of me. I need to laugh, dream, and to be open. I need to love.

Mostly, I need to love. Truly, I need to love - to give and to receive love with open arms and heart. I need to spread love and fill the world with love, that my light and the light of others might shine brightly, filling the world with divine love and light… and… whimspiragic.

Souls living an 0range life are whimspiragical. We fill the world with the whimsy of laughter. We inspire the world to be loving and full of light.  With all of our optimism about life, nature, its seasons, and love, you know we trust and believe in magic. Well… we trust in the magic that love provides, in the magical moments that openness encourages. and in the magical events that happen when we believe that love is there for all to enjoy, and we trust that magic, in the form of blessings, exist for everyone.

Maybe we should all be souls living an orange life. Whimspiragical, souls living an orange life. We are a unique combination - we are possibly the most loving dreamers, while being the most down-to-earth, in-touch men and women of all. Doesn't everyone want to be a whimspiragical soul living an orange life? I do!

Wait… I am!

-- by asd --

-- thanks to Bro-Tations for the inspiration!!! --

an updated blog post - poems, prayers and reflection for sista girls

Even sISTA gIRLS sometimes need a little prayer... especially on a rainy day. Rainy days cause me to pause and reflect. Today, on this first day of November - a month of thankfulness and gratitude, please keep us and ours in your prayers... as we keep you and yours uplifted in prayer. We are spreading smiles and love this November, knowing the world will right up and all will be well. In the meantime, here is a little poem to fill your day.

Hope is a bird singing before the sun does rise

Hope is a flower’s fragrance even sweeter as it dies

Hope is a brilliant sky that preludes that day’s end

Hope is a “really, you too” that signals a new friend

Hope is a thing inspired on a warm and sunny day

Hope is a thing desired when the sunshine’s gone away

Hope is the thing you turn to when your life’s about to bust

Hope is a thing believed in when there’s nothing left to trust

and here is a prayer to fill your heart and spirit

may your day be filled with friends and laughter

may your weekend be filled with family and goodness

may your body be filled with good health

may your heart be filled with light and loving kindness

may your world be filled with beauty

may your soul be filled with peace and joy

may life be filled with sunshine

may your life overflow with happiness and love

and may you always have  sISTA gIRLS to share it all with

LOVE YOU ALL ... TAKE CARE ... until tomorrow

do you have people who support you? are you supportive?

My days lately have been full - very full. I have time for my writing, my businesses, and the course I'm taking in personal development. I make/find time for my responsibilities, my family, my friends, and my animals. With the time that is left, I do me and the things I enjoy. With what is left, I sleep. It is the most busy I have been in years. A couple of days ago, some of my family, my sISTA gIRL and I sat with a glass of wine and a bite of food and discussed life, personal development and our dreams fro the future. It was wonderful. We were all fully connected to each other and fully supportive of our future dreams. It is not the first time we have had this conversation and not the first time we have supported each other.

I was reading through some of my old posts and I came across a blog that had comments I'd like to share with you...

"I live the life I live and do the things I do because of the choices I have made. I accept the consequences of my choices because they are my choices. I try not to complain or gripe, even when I am overwhelmed. I sometimes feel I am in my life alone and that no one understands where I am or how I feel. But then my friend comes along and says something like that  ("I wish I had more money and you more time, I would send you on a trip so you could rest, relax and regroup.") and I realize I am not alone ... that someone cares... that someone understands. That someone is my friend, my girl, mysISTA gIRL  and i am grateful for her.

"We all go through things that take a toll on our lives, our souls, our emotions. We can ignore its effects on us and dig our heels in and keep on or we can remember there are people out there who love us and are willing to help or lend an ear or a shoulder if we would just reach out. Sometimes all they can give is support and encouragement ... but funny ... for me .... that was more than enough. We sat and laughed about good times and what we would do and where we would go if we could. that brief respire made my day and has lingered in the back of my mind for days."

At the end of that post, I thanked my sISTA gIRL for her love and support. She is still my sISTA gIRL, my anam cara, my kindred spirit today and I still thank her for her love and support. But today, I also want to thank my family members who have been there for me, supporting and encouraging me. I also want to thank them and my sISTA gIRL for allowing me the opportunity to give them feedback in an atmosphere of love and vulnerability. They know that I speak from a place of love and support, as they do when they speak to me.

I wish everyone a friend like my sISTA gIRL. I wish everyone family members like mine. I wish everyone to have happy, healthy, loving, harmonious, open, connected relationships. 

May each and everyone of you have friends, family members, and partners who recognize when you are drowning and rescue you with a word, a smile, or a hug; who support you when your stuff is tight and things are going right; and who stand by you just because and ride the wave with you. 

poems, reflections and prayers for sista girls

Even sISTA gIRLS sometimes need a little prayer. Please keep me and mine in your prayers these next few days. Thank you kindly. Also bear with me if I take a little longer to get these posts out. The world will right up again and all will be well. In the meantime, here is a little poem to fill your day. I hope you like it.

Hope is a bird singing before the sun does rise

Hope is a flower’s fragrance even sweeter as it dies

Hope is a brilliant sky that preludes that day’s end

Hope is a “really, you too” that signals a new friend

Hope is a thing inspired on a warm and sunny day

Hope is a thing desired when the sunshine’s gone away

Hope is the thing you turn to when your life’s about to bust

Hope is a thing believed in when there’s nothing left to trust

and here is a prayer to fill your heart and spirit

may your friday be filled with friends and laughter

may your weekend be filled with family and goodness

may your body be filled with good health

may your heart be filled with light and loving kindness

may your world be filled with beauty

may your soul be filled with peace and joy

may life be filled with sunshine

may your life overflow with happiness and love

and may you always have  sISTA gIRLS to share it all with

LOVE YOU ALL ... TAKE CARE ... until tomorrow