the effect of distance on friendship

A few years ago, i worked in the service industry helping out a friend. While there, I met this really cool lady. We clicked almost immediately. As we got to know each other, I discovered she belonged to the Race of Joseph and as we continued to spend time, our relationship became an Anam Cara friendship. Then the inevitable happened. She moved back home. Her home is hours away. I was sorry to see her go, happy for her to be back with her family. I was also concerned about our friendship. I am not a big caller. It is my weakness. I warned her but agreed to make the effort to keep in touch. We agreed to talk once a week and we did at first. But life got in the way and what happened, we stopped calling each other. Probably more me than her ... but either way, we stopped calling.

But distance does not really affect true friendships. When I eventually call my friend or she calls me, we pick up our conversation right where we left off. It is as if time has stood still for us while we were living our separate lives. There are no awkward moments, no hesitations. We share our lives and our goals and dreams as if we were sitting across from each other at our favorite bakery having dessert and tea. I think it is because we share a mutual admiration and affection for one another. I think it is because we know each other cares and that the feeling is genuine. I think it is because we love and respect each other and each others lives. I think it is because we are true Anam Cara friends. Those type of friendships are special and while they should not be taken for granted or taken lightly, they do "take a lickin and keep on tickin".

So this post is dedicated to my long distance Anam Cara friend from The Race of Joseph. She is my friend, my sISTA gIRL and she will always have my heart. And...speaking of her, I am going to call her this weekend and catch up. By the way... I know you guys have long distance friendships as well... call one and catch up this weekend or better yet...call today. 

But while you are here.... comment or/and share. 

what else is friendship

A friend is defined as a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. So friendship is when two people know each other well, and like and trust each other. For me, friendship is a relationship between two people that demands time and effort and requires empathy, honesty and putting aside your pride. It provides support and comfort in good times and bad and it keeps you happy.

            Friendship is more than just being happy together or sharing in good times. Sometimes one of you may say or do something hurtful to the other. In a good friendship; you face the problem together, work out a solution together and forgive and let go. In a good friendship, you protect, love, and accept each other, you don’t judge each other. You may argue with each other from time to time, but you come together again. In a good friendship all this works because a good friendship is also about surviving bad times together.

            What else is friendship? It is having a person in your life you can trust completely. It is realizing that someone else wants the best for you. It is being together without needing to pretend. It is having someone you can call at any time knowing they will be happy to hear from you. It is sharing your grief and your happiness with another. It is helping solve each other’s problems. It is sharing your dreams, hopes, and secrets together. It is helping out and expecting nothing in return. It is having fun through everyday life together. It is finding time for each other. It is being so in tune with each other, you know each other feelings and understand the why of them; and you can finish each other’s sentences and thoughts.

A true friendship, a good friendship; is an enjoyable relationship that makes all involved in it happy and ... without one in your life; it is a lot harder to maintain. A true friendship fills your heart, your spirit and your soul. It is a gift you choose to give yourself knowing it will keep on giving as you keep on giving. And that is good.

true friendships and trust

There are many different kinds of friendships, but the best are mutual relationships… mutual friendships. A mutual relationship … or friendship is a true friendship. A true friendship requires some work to maintain but is truly worth having. In a true friendship you have a friend you can trust and rely on and who can trust and rely on you.

A true friendship is a relationship of sympathy, empathy, kindness, compassion, laughter, honesty, respect and caring. True friends allow each other to share their thoughts and feelings, honestly and openly, without judgment or shame. Once this happens and all of these qualities have been opened and released into your relationship, a bond is formed and with continued work that bond can deepen into trust and then love.

Trust is a key element to a healthy, true friendship. Without trust, a friendship is only superficial and while superficial may work for the beginnings of a friendship … when you both are testing the waters, it cannot work if you want the relationship to last. I have a relative who does not believe in friendship. She thinks that family is everything. While I agree that family is important, I also know that there is a place in our lives for friendship. That is even more important for those who do not have a family or who do not have a good relationship with their family. Friends make a difference in your life and should not be discounted. But it depends on trust. If you cannot allow yourself the opportunity to trust someone, you cannot have or be a lasting and true friend.

Friends are the people you can turn to; they help you to grow as a person, they help you to realize the best that you are and can be, they pick you up when you are down and make your joys bigger and brighter. Friends share your secrets and your hopes and dreams. But this can only happen with trust. Trust is the backbone of friendship ... of having a friend. And once you have a friend, you have the world in your hand.

what i really learned about friendship in high school

I was thinking about what to write the other day and I remembered this girl I went to high school with. She blew through a bunch of us girls like wind on a wintry day and then one day we looked up and she was gone leaving a path of destruction like I had never seen before and have not seen often since.

She started with the oldest of us and ticked us off one by one, pitting us against one another, challenging our friendship with each other. I was the youngest of the group. When it was my turn, I was unprepared for her special brand of magnetism and attraction. I fell and I fell hard.

She was tall and slim. She had a head full of jet black hair, wore huge, black rimmed glasses and talked a mile a minute. She laughed a lot, had a smile that lit a room, and leaned her head in real close when she had something to tell you and looked you right in the eye when you were sharing something with her. She made you feel special and everyone wanted to be friends with her. At least in the beginning.

I still remember the day she decided she wanted to be my friend. She sought me out in the cafeteria and sat next to me, pulling her chair close to mine. She said she had been trying for a while to be friends with me but I was so popular she thought I would not want her for a friend. She was smooth and while her statement was not true, it sure made me feel good. I knew who she was. I knew all the people she had been friends with and since I did not know how those had ended (until later), I was honored she wanted to talk to me.

It lasted a week. We walked to classes together, sat together at lunch and talked on the telephone at home. She made me feel special. She said she had never had a friend like me, she only wanted me and we would be best friends forever. I was super happy and forgot all about my other friends … all for her. And it was wonderful. We were best friends forever … well … for one week … my week. And then she moved on.

My friends saw us together and tried to warn me about her. I paid them no mind. They were jealous of us, of the fact that she wanted to be my friend and mine alone. My friends gave up and let me go with a smile of understanding. I gloated about my luck but they knew I would be back.

They were right. She was not a real friend; she was not my real friend. Heck, she was not a friend at all … much less a real friend. At the end of my week I waited for her at our spot and she was not there, After each class, I looked for her but she was not there. At lunch I looked for her and she was not there. Feeling lonely, I went to sit with the friends I had abandoned for my new best friend. They welcomed me as though nothing had happened and I was grateful. While we laughed together, my “best friend” showed up with her new best friend and totally ignored me. She acted as though I didn't exist and my heart was crushed. Everyone at the table was polite to her but did not invite her to join us.  She flounced away from us without a care, laughing together with her new best friend.

When she left I was broken-hearted. But my actual friends felt for me and told me how she had tried to do the same with each one of them with mixed success. The older girls had not trusted her. She had worked her magic on us younger girls. As I listened to them, I learned valuable friend information that day. It still works today.

      True friends spend time with others as well as each other because they know that more friends means more fun

      True friends are not jealous of other friends because true friendship lasts

      Spending all your time with one person, only, is not healthy … there is sooo much out there to enjoy

      If someone drops a friend to be with you, they’ll drop you to be friends with someone else.

      Don’t turn your back on your true friends or take them for granted, it hurts. But if you do, true friends will understand and forgive … and take you back.

I still follow these today.

SO … thanks to all my high school sISTA gIRLS. I still love ya!

a short sISTA gIRL story shared

this has been sort of a throwback week. i have been updating some very old posts that few people read because it was at the beginning of our journey together, here is another. but, when you get a minute, please read some of the older blogs. they were pretty interesting.

“She is a friend of mind. 

She gather me, man.

 The pieces I am, 

she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order.

 It’s good, you know,

 when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind. “

 - Toni Morrison -

A little while back i got into a bit of a situation because I was, as usual, preoccupied. The situation became a problem for me but I was reluctant to share my story, even with my sISTA gIRL. It took me a while, but eventually I told her of my situation. My sISTA gIRL did what she does best. she did not condemn me and, did not blame me. She also did not get mad at me for taking so long to tell her. Instead, she jumped into action, doing what she could to help me out of the jam I had gotten myself into.

She knew I already felt bad about the situation and while I did tell her I will do my best to make sure I don't get in such a jam again, she just listened and acted. Now this is not to say she won't let me know when I have messed up because she will; but she knows when it is okay to judge, criticize and teach and when it is time to just be there. This was one of those times I needed her to just be there and she was. Rest assured... I would do the same for her (and have).

We are more than just kindred spirits; we belong to the Race of Joseph. We are Anam Cara friends and I am grateful for her presence in my life. She is indeed a sISTA gIRL!

Share with us your sISTA gIRL stories.

-- photograph by Rodney Smith --