the other side of christmas ... and friends

Happy Holiday
Happy Holiday
While the merry bells keep ringing
May your every wish come true

Happy Holiday
Happy Holiday
May the calendar keep bringing
Happy Holidays to you

once again it's the holiday season, the happy, happy reason for celebrating and gift giving and party going. but while i love christmas music, tree lights, snowmen, and celebrating with friends, i also hate the holidays. the pressure to buy the right gifts and to figure out how much to spend; the pressure to decorate and go to parties and smile, smile, smile and be filled with cheer. i hate that the holidays seems to mean couples and love and intimacy while i am single. it also seems to be about close ties and my family is dysfunctional.

the nicest thing i have heard this year is a group who try to match people who happily celebrate christmas day with people who are alone but don't want to be alone on christmas day. that to me is wonderful. i shared this with my child. her only response was that's nice for people who need christmas but she would never be ones who needed to be with others on christmas and would never open her home - how dangerous. i reminded her about her christmases and while she acknowledged them and how much fun they were and how we used to go all out, she said she no longer needed it. she believes that christmas is for children. now that she is an adult, no gifts, no tree...it is okay with her. 

i wonder if i have done that to her. have i given her reason to be so apathetic about the holidays. i mean the last few years i have decorated and put up a tree but i did it reluctantly, complaining the whole time. christmas does seem to be a holiday for lovers and families with small children. i try to think about reasons to decorate but all i can think is i have to take it down and put it all away and that is so much harder. i have bought gifts  (went shopping yesterday to be precise) but i worried about not spending enough, about not having enough money to buy gifts, about not buying the right gift. i never want to be the one everybody laughs at... you know... the one who never gets it right and it becomes the standing joke. "Ha ha, auntie gave me a neon, multi-colored bells tie to wear with my grey,  pin-striped suit to my job on wall street. she's a hoot isn't she."

she says no, it is not me or my attitude. she says it is her. maybe. i have asked many people about the holidays. so many people say it is just a depressing time of year for them. they remember absent loved ones, their problems with their families and the lack of love and other things in their lives. the ones who celebrate and rejoice in the day and the season seem to be families with children, new couples, and those who choose to be happy no matter their circumstances. i have never been one of those people. i can smile and laugh when i am in pain but i find it hard. maybe i am just lazy. but some say laziness is a way to mask depression.

 wow. this was supposed to be an uplifting piece on the beauty and splendor of christmas. instead it is becoming a discussion on the other side of christmas. let me say that a part of me loves christmas and always will. what will i do on christmas day? i can't say - haven't decided yet. either way, i will be remembering absent loved ones, wishing i was part of a couple and hoping that next year will be better. 

the best part of the holidays are my friends. they understand my perspective on christmas and pull me out of my holiday humdrums. i hope you have friends like that. they celebrate when you do and help you to celebrate when you can't do it alone. i also hope you are that kind of friend for those who need it. 

in the meantime...may your house be decorated with the warmth of the season, may your gifts recognize the love of the season, may your actions remember the meaning of the season and may your heart be filled with the lights of the season and may you take care of you.