breathe

i think i am back ...

It is ironic that a little over a week ago I was speaking of going thru the valley of dust with the expectation of emerging on the other side. Just a day later my mom passed. No matter how a loved one suffers, it is hard to let go and say good-bye. Even if we believe the body just houses the soul, it is still hard to let go of that body … after all … we have grown to also love the body that houses the soul we love. We let go of the soul because we know it loves on but the body does not. It gets locked up and sealed away from us, never to be seen again. It is a necessary thing, but it is still hard to endure.

The thing I heard that was said by a friend at my mother’s viewing that truly touched me … “now I truly understand what it means to rest in peace” ... said because when you looked at my mom, you saw a frail, delicate woman whose face was marred by lines of agony and sunken in from the constant pain she suffered. Yet as she reposed in her casket, her face was soft, full and line-free. There was a smile on her face and she seemed to glow. Indeed her body was as at peace, as is her soul.

I am okay for now, sad that she is not literally here, but glad that she is not suffering.  I spent the last few years constantly at her side and so will miss her terribly. But I will go on … for me, for her, for my daughter. I will do it with the support of family, extended family and friends. I feel blessed to have had my mom as my mom for as long as I had her and I feel blessed to be surrounded and supported by family and friends. Anam Cara people in your life are indeed a blessing and a joy and I say thank you every day for their presence in mine.

I read a quote yesterday that inspired me to write out how I want to get through this period of my life. I would like to share it with you …

I will remember to breathe. I will remember that I have been through this before and survived. I will keep in mind that I will get through this and be okay. There will be moments when I am sad, anxious, scared, perhaps even unwilling to continue on. There will be moments when I feel life has beaten me down. But I have survived this … I can survive this. I will remember these feelings do not last, cannot break me. Moments of loss can be painful and debilitating but “joy will come in the morning”. How will I get through these moments? I will sit with them, face them, acknowledge them and let my being present with them allow them to ebb away. I will get through these moments knowing a turnaround will come. When the turnaround will come, I cannot say. But it will come.

 In the meantime,

My cup may be full but I will keep on breathing.

 I will fight the good fight as I keep on breathing.

 Letting hope be my guide as I get through tomorrow

I will keep on breathing till I surface on the other side

Keep on breathing…  one breath at a time