Some Rain Must Fall

i am a big fan of rain. I like to dance and play in it. i like to stroll in it. i have even been known to grill outside in it. i don't just enjoy rain; i feel the rain. i am present for rain and appreciate every drop that falls. i open my arms to feel the rain caress every part of me. i open mouth to catch as many drops as possible and laugh as the raindrops soak my body and nourish my soul.

it rained last night and i went outside as usual to enjoy the rain. but it was not the same. i could not stay outside. i felt like the bird in the picture, hiding behind the flowers. i went inside the protection of my house to observe the rain from a distance. today it is raining and once again  i will be observing it from the peace and comfort of my home.

it is raining in my heart and that rain has begun to fill me up so there is no room for the rain outside. i am, however, aware that this is a temporary state. the rain inside me will fill to overflow and i will let it overflow. as it flows from me, i will begin to replace the rain with sunshine and moonlight. when i am filled with sunshine and moonlight, the overflow will spread to others and i will once again be able to play in the rain. 

how do i know this? i believe. not only does rain fall outside in the world, it falls in our lives. but it does not last. the sun will shine again and the moon will, once again, light our path at night. cycles come and go. we live them and learn from them. but mostly, we just go on. into my life some rain has fallen. but i will go on.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote the poem The Rainy Day. in it, he writes" Into each life some rain must fall, Some days must be dark and dreary." i have put my own spin on this. forgive my inadequacy in comparison.

Listen sad heart! As you are repining;

Behind your clouds the sun’s still shining;

Your fate is the common fate of all,

Into each life some rain must fall,

But with supportive friends by your side

Your pain and heartache will soon subside

Your days will no longer be so dreary

Your heart will no longer be so weary

The darkness will fade into the sun’s light

And you, I promise, will be alright

So though some days will be dark and dreary

In time life will once again be quite cheery

I Will Hold On To The Hurt A While

please  bear with me as i navigate through this new phase of my life. it is true i saw it coming but we are never as prepared as we think we are or as we should be. while i am on this journey, i will share some of it with you ... my sISTA gIRLS. mayhaps it will help you as writing about it helps me. if not ... i apologize.

today i would like to share with you a part of a piece i have written. it is in part thanks to a friend and as this blog is for friendship, i thought it would be appropriate. i hope you enjoy it in the vein it was written

I Will Hold On To The Hurt A While

...

Yesterday

My friend took me away from the silence

For a while.

She brought me out into the world …

A world I had seen so very little of lately.

It was fun to people watch

To eat good food

Enjoy a new cocktail or two

But in the back of my mind

In the center of my stomach

Were old habits designed around you.

And yet … you were gone.

Sometimes you residing in my heart

 Is just not enough …

the pain and loss you experience upon the death of a loved one  ... be it family or friend ...is often 'unexplainable'. it is a journey that can only be understand by those who are travelling or have travelled it. if you are present with one who is on the journey, you are able to understand what you witness but the emotions that exist in the mind and heart are often so subtle and so frequently changing that they are hard to capture and hold in your hand. so watching is insufficient and to enter the heart or mind of another impossible. but for the friends who attempt to understand i say THANK YOU. we need you by our side ... to hold our hand when we are drowning, to keep us from going under. we need you to help us adjust our wings when we are ready to fly again. we need your shoulders to lean on, your ears to listen and your heart to understand when we are broken open. to all those going through something i say keep going ... you will get to the other side. for all friends watching i say, thank you

you know what they say ... when the going gets tougher ... so do we

until next time ... take care of you!!!!

breathe

i think i am back ...

It is ironic that a little over a week ago I was speaking of going thru the valley of dust with the expectation of emerging on the other side. Just a day later my mom passed. No matter how a loved one suffers, it is hard to let go and say good-bye. Even if we believe the body just houses the soul, it is still hard to let go of that body … after all … we have grown to also love the body that houses the soul we love. We let go of the soul because we know it loves on but the body does not. It gets locked up and sealed away from us, never to be seen again. It is a necessary thing, but it is still hard to endure.

The thing I heard that was said by a friend at my mother’s viewing that truly touched me … “now I truly understand what it means to rest in peace” ... said because when you looked at my mom, you saw a frail, delicate woman whose face was marred by lines of agony and sunken in from the constant pain she suffered. Yet as she reposed in her casket, her face was soft, full and line-free. There was a smile on her face and she seemed to glow. Indeed her body was as at peace, as is her soul.

I am okay for now, sad that she is not literally here, but glad that she is not suffering.  I spent the last few years constantly at her side and so will miss her terribly. But I will go on … for me, for her, for my daughter. I will do it with the support of family, extended family and friends. I feel blessed to have had my mom as my mom for as long as I had her and I feel blessed to be surrounded and supported by family and friends. Anam Cara people in your life are indeed a blessing and a joy and I say thank you every day for their presence in mine.

I read a quote yesterday that inspired me to write out how I want to get through this period of my life. I would like to share it with you …

I will remember to breathe. I will remember that I have been through this before and survived. I will keep in mind that I will get through this and be okay. There will be moments when I am sad, anxious, scared, perhaps even unwilling to continue on. There will be moments when I feel life has beaten me down. But I have survived this … I can survive this. I will remember these feelings do not last, cannot break me. Moments of loss can be painful and debilitating but “joy will come in the morning”. How will I get through these moments? I will sit with them, face them, acknowledge them and let my being present with them allow them to ebb away. I will get through these moments knowing a turnaround will come. When the turnaround will come, I cannot say. But it will come.

 In the meantime,

My cup may be full but I will keep on breathing.

 I will fight the good fight as I keep on breathing.

 Letting hope be my guide as I get through tomorrow

I will keep on breathing till I surface on the other side

Keep on breathing…  one breath at a time