I thought of an old friend of mine yesterday when i was getting ready go out. she used to say she had lots of friends. we, who were her friends, never saw these so-called friends... ever.... and we were friends with her for years. she made me think of this woman i worked with some years ago. she also said she had a lot of friends but she categorized her friends: she had work friends, gym friends, college friends, high school friends, and so on.
thinking of them made me think of this guy I knew, we spoke about once a year, remembered each other's birthdays, texted each other for all the holidays and saw each other every eighteen months or so. he always referred to us as friends but i was never sure why. when we got together we talked about the same things - his dating life, race relations, the church, his children, his ex-wives and my daughter and mother. we didn't go in depth about anything personal. our real conversations were about race relations, dating in general and the church.
now you may think that is a lot to talk about. but it is not. especially if that is all you talk about....whether you've seen each other two weeks ago or two years ago. i do have a few FRIENDS i talk with about once a year. when we finally get together, we talk for hours...about everything. we are almost reluctant to go when it is time because we have so much to say and so much to share. that is because WE ARE FRIENDS. this guy and I are not, we are... well i am not sure what we are...but we are not "friends".
the problem is we over use the word friend/friendship. too many people use friend when referring to someone they have known for quite a while, spend time with and chat with. but that is not a friend. when we refer to someone like that as our friend, that is both an over-use and a mis-use of the word. i looked up friend in the dictionary. a friend is defined differently depending on which dictionary you use. one described a friend as a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection and loyalty. another defined a friend as one attached to another by affection or esteem. but most of us think of a friends as one with whom we are able to share things beyond generalities. someone we do things with, laugh with, spend time with, really talk with, trust with. how do you really define that?
one dictionary had a lot of synonyms for friend. some were pal, chum, intimate, familiar, buddy, comrade, confidant, and mate. i looked them all up. pal and chum refers to a close friend. buddy is a fellow friend. comrade is British for an intimate friend and mate is British for companion. confidant is one who keeps your secrets.i actually like familiar (one who is often seen and well-known) but it makes me think of my own personal dragon rather than friend. finally intimate,,,an intimate is a warm friend developed through long association. the problem with these terms is that all but one have friend right in the definition.
one dictionary under similar words had acquaintance, associate, and companion and went on to explain the differences between each word. an acquaintance is someone you know though not intimately. an associate is one who is often in another's company because of work, enterprise, or common pursuit, a companion is a person who shares another's activities, fate or condition.
perhaps, following these distinctions, this guy and i are acquaintances. we know each other but we don't really know each other intimately and are not trying to know each other that way.similarly, my old office partner perhaps should not have called all the people she knew her friends. they were her work associates - because of their common pursuit or her gym companions - because of their shared activity.
now i have to be honest. these terms don't seem to go far enough to describe my friendship with the guy or my old partner's relationship with her different groups of peers. my point is that "friend " seems to go too far and yet it is the word we each use to describe the ill-defined relationships that we are experiencing. i guess it is because we use the word friend so easily. we often don't think before we call someone our friend. we use it because it is easier than actually taking the time to think about and then choose the proper word to describe the exact type of relationship we have. as a result, most of us don't really know when we have a friend, how to be a friend or who is a real friend.
or maybe i am just making a big deal out of nothing. maybe the starting point of a relationship, just after acquaintance is friend and you progress from there. you know to intimate friend, warm friend, true friend, best friend, pal, chum. if that is the case, then the guy and i are friends, just friends. but my office partner's people are still companions and associates. my point is we use words sometimes without really taking the time to see if they apply to our present situation and one word misused is the term friend/friendship.
anyway... what do you think? please share your opinions
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