Dealing With a Grudge

been thinking a lot lately about friendship, being part of a team and liking people… or not. The Universe has supported me with this by providing me plenty of opportunity to realize some of my ways of thinking and being, on this topic, were wrong so that I could shift my way of thinking. The books I’ve been reading, the guided meditations I have chosen to listen to; they all manage to return me to the place I lately had no desire to visit - my perceptions of people and how I deal with them.

I don’t mean my perceptions of my friends or the people I like. I mean those people who rub me the wrong way… who make the hairs on my neck rise… who make me unconsciously sneer. I am actually thinking of two people. One who I believe snubbed me unnecessarily in a way that felt condescending and trifling. One who was disrespectful in a patronizing, arrogant, holier-than-thou way.

While both of the incidents happened weeks… and months ago. The events still “stick in my craw” - which is shameful. I practice love and kindness, and am working on letting go of things. Yet I have not been able to let go of this. My attitude actually came up during a discussion with a relative. He was surprised that I was holding on to a grudge - a hostile, acrimonious grudge. He was right to be surprised… and disappointed. I was holding onto the grudges with actual pleasure - glee even.

In fact, I was holding onto the grudges, waiting to see the people and… and…. And what? Even I couldn’t say what I was holding on to the grudges for. But I couldn’t seem to let them go. My relative suggested I speak to the people about my issues. But I felt my issues were really too petty for a face-to-face discussion. Why don’t i have a pretend conversation with them, he suggested. I have the conversation as if they were there without actually having them present.

Sure. Why not? Great idea, right? Except I wasn’t there. I wasn’t ready to let go yet. Why? That was the question of the day. Why? I have in the past rarely held a grudge, but these two felt good. I actually got a feel good-feeling from my private little bit of resentment. Shameful and yet still…  it felt good.

When I sat down and really thought about it, I realized it wasn’t the feelings about the incident that were bringing me pleasure, it was the habit. I had held the feelings long enough that I had become accustomed to them. They had taken up residence inside my heart… inside my spirit. That was not good. I am a hoarder and am working on letting go and getting rid of things. Realizing I had done the same thing with my feelings that I did with actual things (hoard and save) really made me re-evaluate things.

I do not want my heart or my spirit filled with negativity of any kind. I want to be filled with love, joy, light, and beauty. The negative feelings I was enjoying were not conducive to the environment I wanted to live in. So I did the work. Separately. For each person… each incident.

I thought about the incident and how it made me feel - remembering the incident like it was yesterday. Then I spoke aloud about the incident  - how it made me feel, all of how I felt. When I finished, I acknowledged my responsibility for the situation, my responsibility for where my feelings had taken me, for who I was being by allowing negative feelings to find space to take root.

Then I sat with all those feelings. I soaked them up, wallowed in them, became them, let them become me. When I was filled with all that “stuff” I let it spew. I said aloud to the invisible person all of my feelings  - about the situation, about them, about our relationship or lack thereof. I spoke until there was nothing left. And then I, feeling lighter and unburdened blew that shit out the door, turned my back and walked away.

A few days later I got sick - congested, sore throat, headache, malaise. It took me a minute, but I realized my body was finally purging itself of all the toxic crap that I was holding on to and didn’t even know. My body was doing what I had done with my heart and spirit - it was getting rid of the toxicity to make space for beautiful, loving possibility. And while I am not feeling my best right now, I know on the other side, I will feel better than ever - new attitude, open heart, loving feelings, while in better health.

As for the incident… what incident. I have totally moved on. What about the two people - well, I have left space for me to see them and treat them as the best renditions of themselves. I will hold them that way and hope they hold me the same. Life is a mirror sometimes and when they hold up the mirror of me, I want them to see love and connection - so that’s what I’m bringing. No matter what they bring. In this aspect of life, it’s all about me and what I’m bring to the table. And I’m bringing LoVe.

more on forgiving yourself

in order to love others kindly and gently; love yourself kindly and gently

in order to forgive others, and move on; forgive yourself, and  move on

I say all the time that spirit meets spirit and that the universe rises up to meet us where we are when we are truly connected. That has become evident to me today. Yesterday i wrote about forgiving yourself, last night a friend spoke to me about having to do work on forgiving himself and today the discussion of forgiving one's self and others has continued.

Forgive Yourself

forgive yourself -

the first step to ending

some of your health issues

and the lies you tell yourself

time can eat away at life

forgive yourself

for losing track

there still is so much more

when the walls are closing all around

and you're holding yourself back

forgive yourself -

and release what is keeping you caged

what's the first step to letting go

of the anger toward those

who destroyed your visions -

forgive yourself

when you choose to do

all that you can

to prove you can

when there are things you can’t

forgive yourself

in forgiving yourself

you give yourself

license to forgive others

forgive yourself

in forgiving yourself

you open yourself  

to joy and love

forgive yourself

for in giving yourself

the gift of

forgiving yourself

you also get the opportunity 

to begin again

can you let go of your perceptions? Can you forgive yourself?

so i had the most interesting conversation today with someone. ironic the conversation took place in autumn, the day after a night of rain. it was all about how our perceptions of ourselves and our lives effect every other aspect of our life. I got it, my friend did not. That is not to say I always get it, but it is to say this was one of those conversations where I got it and was trying to help them get it.

autumn  - i love this season, it reminds me how beautiful letting go can be when done in a healthy environment, in a a healthy way, for the right reasons. We let go of what no longer fits, what no longer suits, what no longer works. we let go to have new, to have better; we let go to heal, to grow; we let go to be better, because it is time.

and rain - i love the rain, the feel of wetness and the rhythm of the drops, it enriches my soul. the morning after a night of rain is always a cleaner, purer, fresher day. as though the rain released and then washed away all the toxins. the aftermath is usually a day of sun, and sweet smells and lighter essences. so, when we release the toxins that hold us hostage and allow them to be washed away, we too emerge cleaner, sweeter and lighter in essence. 

sometimes in order to let go we have to acknowledge that the way we see things is not fact ... not truth - even though it may be a truth for us. In reality it is just a perception and a perception is a personal belief. further - a truth is not a fact. a truth is a perception you have based on what you know and truths change as your knowledge grows.

anyway, i was trying to get my friend to understand that their truths were really based on their perceptions, and that if they would forgive themselves, it would actually change their perceptions, and open them and their lives up to new possibilities. if my friend would begin by forgiving their self, they would be able to forgive others and that forgiveness would allow joy, love and healing into their life in whole new and unexpected ways.

i know how hard it is to do this work. to examine your perceptions, acknowledge that some are no longer relevant and then discard them. it is hard to forgive yourself and others, and leave yourself open to new possibilities. it is hard to let go of what has been our constant companion for so long, but that is how we get better, that is how we make room for new and improved in our lives. that is how we heal and grow.

i don't know if my friend really got it. i left them to think about what i said. but this i know for sure. forgiveness must start with forgiving yourself just as loving others begins with first loving ourselves. and we can't let go of things outside of our control if we don't first let go of the things within our control. it is hard work. sometimes it is sad work, at times it is angry work, but once done, a weight comes off and you feel lighter and airy. better... whole new possibilities begin to to open up and paths towards you are cleared.

my suggestion - go for it. take a chance on yourself. you are smarter than you realize. stronger than you know and more resilient than you believe. it is worth it and you will be glad you did. SO... today... forgive yourself, let go, release those toxins and then breathe in the cleaner, sweeter, lighter essence that is you. when you are done, be prepared for all the wonderfulness that has been waiting to come rushing to you...  be prepared... it will happen and it will be good. 

Have You Touched the Center of Your Sorrow - how to deal with sorrow

More on The Invitation… how to deal with sorrow

A while back, I shared with all of you some posts from a prior blog. They were on The Invitation. I missed one and thought I would share it with you today. It is on dealing with sorrow.

"It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it."

— from The Invitation, Oriah Mountain dreamer —

I have done all of those things and then some. I have experienced deep sorrow and ultimate betrayal by life. I have closed myself off from fear of further pain. I have just sat with my pain. Years ago, my uncle, a New York City hospital officer was gunned down by a major Columbian drug lord. Years later, my husband, a New York City police officer, was gunned down in the line of duty and my father, who was suffering through two kinds of cancer, died the very next day. At the time, my daughter was a little girl, and my husband and I were trying to have another child…

Those two events were so devastating that at times, all I could do was acknowledge the pain; all I could do was endure. The pain was so overwhelming, I shut down. I don’t even remember most of the events of the year following the deaths of my husband and father. And, when my life began to take on some form of normalcy again, I consciously chose to close myself off from further pain. I let no newcomers into my circle of friends and refused to have any dealings with men. I said I would never date again, never fall in love again.If that wasn’t enough, some of the people in my circle and my husband’s circle could not handle what happened and stopped dealing with my daughter and me. They said that being around us was a constant reminder of what happened and they could not handle that. So they chose to stop being in our lives. They were people who were important to me, but more than that; people who were important to my daughter. We learned to live without the two most important men in our lives and the absence of long-held friendships.

So, I have sat with pain, and just endured. I have closed myself off to avoid further pain. I have done all that. But, in the end, I learned to let go. First, I made new friends. Then, I freed myself of the bonds that the fear of the pain of loss cause and am now I am in a place of hope. I am now open to love; I am open to giving and receiving love. Hell, I’m even open to the knowledge that taking a chance on love also means the possibility of experiencing sorrow all over again… though I hope that doesn’t happen. Was letting go easy? Hell, no it wasn’t. Some of the people who were very close to my family dealt with the deaths by drinking to excess - a sure fire way to avoid facing pain. Some refused to cry, prided themselves on never shedding a tear. Even I even went through a period when I refused to cry. After all, many of us have been taught that tears are a sign of weakness. And, for a while, I was actually unable to cry. But one day, I was caught off guard and I cried. No, I sobbed…great, big, gut-wrenching tears. You know, painful, nose running, hiccup-causing, can’t see or breathe tears…tears so intense you feel like they will never stop. Yes, I cried those tears, and from then on, it was easier to cry. And I must admit, I still sometimes cry and it still hurts. But I believe that moment was the beginning of my cleansing and healing.

In the end, I think the most healing moments came when I just sat with my pain. It was like my skin for such a long time, it was hard not to acknowledge it. But, I mean I really sat with my pain; I examined it; I spoke to it; I let it speak to me. Those moments gave me insight into many aspects of my life, my marriage, my husband and my father. Those moments also gave me insight into where I was with my pain, Those moments are where I eventually found hope. Those moments are where I began to let go.

Today, examine your life. Are there areas of pain you have chosen not to deal with? Pull those painful memories out and begin to tackle them head on. Face your pain, acknowledge it, sit with it, speak to it. Cry if you can. Then determine to conquer your pain and let it go. First acknowledge there is a thing called hope that you can rely on. If you can do this, you can begin to move on.

Good morning heartache / Here we go again / Good morning heartache / You’re the one who knew me when / Might as well get use to you / hanging around / Good morning heartache / Sit down

— written by Irene Higgenbotham, Ervin Drake, and Dan Fisher originally recorded by jazz singer Billie Holiday in 1946) —

— written by angela skeetedavis (asd) —

photographs of the dance “Revelations” created by Alvin Ailey

the rough side of the mountain

When my daughter was very young, we experienced a major tragedy. She dealt with it by burying herself in books. My friends and I dealt with it by playing music, lots of music. At that time, we played a lot of gospel music. My daughter’s favorite song, back then, was "I’m Going up the Rough Side of the Mountain".

One day I asked her why she liked the song so much. She said that the people who go up the rough side of the mountain are really lucky. They have rocks and things to hold on to   and to put their feet on and those rocks and things allow the climbers to get to the top. But, those going up the smooth side will never get to the top because the smooth side has nothing to hold on to and nowhere to put your feet. All those people will do is slide back down to the bottom. She said those who go up the rough side of the mountain are supposed to go over to the smooth side of the mountain to help up those who can’t get up there on their own.

What is that expression …“Out of the mouths of babes”?

So on this Friday may this be your moment of meditation …

Today let us befriend at least one of those going up the smooth side of the mountain.

Today let us reach down to help a fellow climber up the smooth side of the mountain to the mountaintop.

Today, if we are the one going up the smooth side, let us be “friended” by a fellow climber at the top.

Let us …then … enjoy the kindness of a friend who will help us to the mountaintop.

Let us all be grateful for the journey and the blessings along the way

Let us be grateful for the rough side of the mountain and the opportunity to make it to the top.

Let us all be grateful for friends