Dealing With a Grudge

been thinking a lot lately about friendship, being part of a team and liking people… or not. The Universe has supported me with this by providing me plenty of opportunity to realize some of my ways of thinking and being, on this topic, were wrong so that I could shift my way of thinking. The books I’ve been reading, the guided meditations I have chosen to listen to; they all manage to return me to the place I lately had no desire to visit - my perceptions of people and how I deal with them.

I don’t mean my perceptions of my friends or the people I like. I mean those people who rub me the wrong way… who make the hairs on my neck rise… who make me unconsciously sneer. I am actually thinking of two people. One who I believe snubbed me unnecessarily in a way that felt condescending and trifling. One who was disrespectful in a patronizing, arrogant, holier-than-thou way.

While both of the incidents happened weeks… and months ago. The events still “stick in my craw” - which is shameful. I practice love and kindness, and am working on letting go of things. Yet I have not been able to let go of this. My attitude actually came up during a discussion with a relative. He was surprised that I was holding on to a grudge - a hostile, acrimonious grudge. He was right to be surprised… and disappointed. I was holding onto the grudges with actual pleasure - glee even.

In fact, I was holding onto the grudges, waiting to see the people and… and…. And what? Even I couldn’t say what I was holding on to the grudges for. But I couldn’t seem to let them go. My relative suggested I speak to the people about my issues. But I felt my issues were really too petty for a face-to-face discussion. Why don’t i have a pretend conversation with them, he suggested. I have the conversation as if they were there without actually having them present.

Sure. Why not? Great idea, right? Except I wasn’t there. I wasn’t ready to let go yet. Why? That was the question of the day. Why? I have in the past rarely held a grudge, but these two felt good. I actually got a feel good-feeling from my private little bit of resentment. Shameful and yet still…  it felt good.

When I sat down and really thought about it, I realized it wasn’t the feelings about the incident that were bringing me pleasure, it was the habit. I had held the feelings long enough that I had become accustomed to them. They had taken up residence inside my heart… inside my spirit. That was not good. I am a hoarder and am working on letting go and getting rid of things. Realizing I had done the same thing with my feelings that I did with actual things (hoard and save) really made me re-evaluate things.

I do not want my heart or my spirit filled with negativity of any kind. I want to be filled with love, joy, light, and beauty. The negative feelings I was enjoying were not conducive to the environment I wanted to live in. So I did the work. Separately. For each person… each incident.

I thought about the incident and how it made me feel - remembering the incident like it was yesterday. Then I spoke aloud about the incident  - how it made me feel, all of how I felt. When I finished, I acknowledged my responsibility for the situation, my responsibility for where my feelings had taken me, for who I was being by allowing negative feelings to find space to take root.

Then I sat with all those feelings. I soaked them up, wallowed in them, became them, let them become me. When I was filled with all that “stuff” I let it spew. I said aloud to the invisible person all of my feelings  - about the situation, about them, about our relationship or lack thereof. I spoke until there was nothing left. And then I, feeling lighter and unburdened blew that shit out the door, turned my back and walked away.

A few days later I got sick - congested, sore throat, headache, malaise. It took me a minute, but I realized my body was finally purging itself of all the toxic crap that I was holding on to and didn’t even know. My body was doing what I had done with my heart and spirit - it was getting rid of the toxicity to make space for beautiful, loving possibility. And while I am not feeling my best right now, I know on the other side, I will feel better than ever - new attitude, open heart, loving feelings, while in better health.

As for the incident… what incident. I have totally moved on. What about the two people - well, I have left space for me to see them and treat them as the best renditions of themselves. I will hold them that way and hope they hold me the same. Life is a mirror sometimes and when they hold up the mirror of me, I want them to see love and connection - so that’s what I’m bringing. No matter what they bring. In this aspect of life, it’s all about me and what I’m bring to the table. And I’m bringing LoVe.

more on forgiving yourself

in order to love others kindly and gently; love yourself kindly and gently

in order to forgive others, and move on; forgive yourself, and  move on

I say all the time that spirit meets spirit and that the universe rises up to meet us where we are when we are truly connected. That has become evident to me today. Yesterday i wrote about forgiving yourself, last night a friend spoke to me about having to do work on forgiving himself and today the discussion of forgiving one's self and others has continued.

Forgive Yourself

forgive yourself -

the first step to ending

some of your health issues

and the lies you tell yourself

time can eat away at life

forgive yourself

for losing track

there still is so much more

when the walls are closing all around

and you're holding yourself back

forgive yourself -

and release what is keeping you caged

what's the first step to letting go

of the anger toward those

who destroyed your visions -

forgive yourself

when you choose to do

all that you can

to prove you can

when there are things you can’t

forgive yourself

in forgiving yourself

you give yourself

license to forgive others

forgive yourself

in forgiving yourself

you open yourself  

to joy and love

forgive yourself

for in giving yourself

the gift of

forgiving yourself

you also get the opportunity 

to begin again

can you let go of your perceptions? Can you forgive yourself?

so i had the most interesting conversation today with someone. ironic the conversation took place in autumn, the day after a night of rain. it was all about how our perceptions of ourselves and our lives effect every other aspect of our life. I got it, my friend did not. That is not to say I always get it, but it is to say this was one of those conversations where I got it and was trying to help them get it.

autumn  - i love this season, it reminds me how beautiful letting go can be when done in a healthy environment, in a a healthy way, for the right reasons. We let go of what no longer fits, what no longer suits, what no longer works. we let go to have new, to have better; we let go to heal, to grow; we let go to be better, because it is time.

and rain - i love the rain, the feel of wetness and the rhythm of the drops, it enriches my soul. the morning after a night of rain is always a cleaner, purer, fresher day. as though the rain released and then washed away all the toxins. the aftermath is usually a day of sun, and sweet smells and lighter essences. so, when we release the toxins that hold us hostage and allow them to be washed away, we too emerge cleaner, sweeter and lighter in essence. 

sometimes in order to let go we have to acknowledge that the way we see things is not fact ... not truth - even though it may be a truth for us. In reality it is just a perception and a perception is a personal belief. further - a truth is not a fact. a truth is a perception you have based on what you know and truths change as your knowledge grows.

anyway, i was trying to get my friend to understand that their truths were really based on their perceptions, and that if they would forgive themselves, it would actually change their perceptions, and open them and their lives up to new possibilities. if my friend would begin by forgiving their self, they would be able to forgive others and that forgiveness would allow joy, love and healing into their life in whole new and unexpected ways.

i know how hard it is to do this work. to examine your perceptions, acknowledge that some are no longer relevant and then discard them. it is hard to forgive yourself and others, and leave yourself open to new possibilities. it is hard to let go of what has been our constant companion for so long, but that is how we get better, that is how we make room for new and improved in our lives. that is how we heal and grow.

i don't know if my friend really got it. i left them to think about what i said. but this i know for sure. forgiveness must start with forgiving yourself just as loving others begins with first loving ourselves. and we can't let go of things outside of our control if we don't first let go of the things within our control. it is hard work. sometimes it is sad work, at times it is angry work, but once done, a weight comes off and you feel lighter and airy. better... whole new possibilities begin to to open up and paths towards you are cleared.

my suggestion - go for it. take a chance on yourself. you are smarter than you realize. stronger than you know and more resilient than you believe. it is worth it and you will be glad you did. SO... today... forgive yourself, let go, release those toxins and then breathe in the cleaner, sweeter, lighter essence that is you. when you are done, be prepared for all the wonderfulness that has been waiting to come rushing to you...  be prepared... it will happen and it will be good. 

Have You Touched the Center of Your Sorrow - how to deal with sorrow

More on The Invitation… how to deal with sorrow

A while back, I shared with all of you some posts from a prior blog. They were on The Invitation. I missed one and thought I would share it with you today. It is on dealing with sorrow.

"It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it."

— from The Invitation, Oriah Mountain dreamer —

I have done all of those things and then some. I have experienced deep sorrow and ultimate betrayal by life. I have closed myself off from fear of further pain. I have just sat with my pain. Years ago, my uncle, a New York City hospital officer was gunned down by a major Columbian drug lord. Years later, my husband, a New York City police officer, was gunned down in the line of duty and my father, who was suffering through two kinds of cancer, died the very next day. At the time, my daughter was a little girl, and my husband and I were trying to have another child…

Those two events were so devastating that at times, all I could do was acknowledge the pain; all I could do was endure. The pain was so overwhelming, I shut down. I don’t even remember most of the events of the year following the deaths of my husband and father. And, when my life began to take on some form of normalcy again, I consciously chose to close myself off from further pain. I let no newcomers into my circle of friends and refused to have any dealings with men. I said I would never date again, never fall in love again.If that wasn’t enough, some of the people in my circle and my husband’s circle could not handle what happened and stopped dealing with my daughter and me. They said that being around us was a constant reminder of what happened and they could not handle that. So they chose to stop being in our lives. They were people who were important to me, but more than that; people who were important to my daughter. We learned to live without the two most important men in our lives and the absence of long-held friendships.

So, I have sat with pain, and just endured. I have closed myself off to avoid further pain. I have done all that. But, in the end, I learned to let go. First, I made new friends. Then, I freed myself of the bonds that the fear of the pain of loss cause and am now I am in a place of hope. I am now open to love; I am open to giving and receiving love. Hell, I’m even open to the knowledge that taking a chance on love also means the possibility of experiencing sorrow all over again… though I hope that doesn’t happen. Was letting go easy? Hell, no it wasn’t. Some of the people who were very close to my family dealt with the deaths by drinking to excess - a sure fire way to avoid facing pain. Some refused to cry, prided themselves on never shedding a tear. Even I even went through a period when I refused to cry. After all, many of us have been taught that tears are a sign of weakness. And, for a while, I was actually unable to cry. But one day, I was caught off guard and I cried. No, I sobbed…great, big, gut-wrenching tears. You know, painful, nose running, hiccup-causing, can’t see or breathe tears…tears so intense you feel like they will never stop. Yes, I cried those tears, and from then on, it was easier to cry. And I must admit, I still sometimes cry and it still hurts. But I believe that moment was the beginning of my cleansing and healing.

In the end, I think the most healing moments came when I just sat with my pain. It was like my skin for such a long time, it was hard not to acknowledge it. But, I mean I really sat with my pain; I examined it; I spoke to it; I let it speak to me. Those moments gave me insight into many aspects of my life, my marriage, my husband and my father. Those moments also gave me insight into where I was with my pain, Those moments are where I eventually found hope. Those moments are where I began to let go.

Today, examine your life. Are there areas of pain you have chosen not to deal with? Pull those painful memories out and begin to tackle them head on. Face your pain, acknowledge it, sit with it, speak to it. Cry if you can. Then determine to conquer your pain and let it go. First acknowledge there is a thing called hope that you can rely on. If you can do this, you can begin to move on.

Good morning heartache / Here we go again / Good morning heartache / You’re the one who knew me when / Might as well get use to you / hanging around / Good morning heartache / Sit down

— written by Irene Higgenbotham, Ervin Drake, and Dan Fisher originally recorded by jazz singer Billie Holiday in 1946) —

— written by angela skeetedavis (asd) —

photographs of the dance “Revelations” created by Alvin Ailey

looking back at a past friendship

i don't want you to get the wrong impression. my friendships have not always been perfect. i have been hurt, brokenhearted, and betrayed. i am equally sure i have hurt others, broken hearts and betrayed trusts. i am not saying that with pride but i am being honest. i just want to acknowledge the imperfections of us all. if we are living and breathing, we are making mistakes. but we are also trying to be and do better. i can truly say that today, i am trying to be a better person; i am a better person. i do not betray trusts, i do not intentionally hurt others and i never set out to break anyone's heart.

being friends with someone is taking a chance. you take a chance that it will last; that you won't get your heart broken. you take a chance in sharing secrets - that your trust might be betrayed. but if it works, friendships can be a beautiful thing to share, a beautiful thing to behold. friendship is filled with magic and mystery; beauty and transformation. and, while you can choose to hide away and avoid real friendships so that you never have to worry about getting hurt, remember - even caterpillars emerge from their cocoons. if they did not, the world be deprived of  the beauty and delight of butterflies and caterpillars would miss out on the opportunity to fly with the wind and play in sweet smelling flowers.

i have taken chance with friendships. some have worked out better than others. but i am not sorry i tried. yesterday i ran into a neighbor-friend who asked about an old friend. she said she looked for this friend at my mom's funeral and was surprised that this friend was not there. she said she knew that we were not speaking but did not think it was at the level where she would not at least come and  pay her respects.

i laughed softly at my neighbor-friend's concern. she didn't know, didn't understand.she knew my old friend and i no longer spoke. but i guess she didn't realize my old friend had cut off all ties with me and i guess she didn't realize that my old friend had cut ties with our friends, our acquaintances, our everything and that i had been quite okay with that. she didn't realize this old friend had closed the door on anything that was part of our history and had branched out into a whole new life, becoming a whole new person. she didn't understand how a friendship like ours could end so abruptly and so permanently. but it could and it did.

was i sorry to see this friend go? no. our friendship had run its course and we both knew it. she was just the one to verbalize it. do i miss her? no. i am glad for what we had but we could never go back and i would never want to. had i expected to see her at my mom's funeral? no. in fact, i had not even thought to tell her; had not thought about her ... not in years. 

the end of our friendship was laced with hurt, cruel words and broken hearts. i wish her the best and am, as i said, glad for the memories of what we had, but i am also clear on who i am, what i don't want in my life and what i want from a friendship. i want the magic and mystery, i want the beauty and transformation. i don't want, hurt, heartache, betrayal or cruel words. i want the good stuff, the fun. in fact ... i want it all (all the wonderful, fabulous, loving, caring, connected, open good) ; i will give it my all. because i deserve this  ... and ... by the way ... so do you. 

a very bad day

So ... today is not a good day for me; the issues in my life are overwhelming me. i want to run screaming from my life while pulling my hair out. But, I know that is not the answer. I am going to go out, take a walk, clear my head, release my frustrations. I am going to spend some time in meditation and some time in nature, be grateful for my blessings. Then I am going to see if my sISTA gIRL is available to go have drinks. She already knows what I am dealing with. She listens to my troubles, doesn't always say a lot ... just lets me vent. She is a great friend, my sister, my Anam Cara.

Today, if you are having a bad day ... go commune with nature. it will remind you of the beauty in the world and your many blessings. Take some time to be in silence, it will allow you to hear your inner voice of calm and remind you that peace is within you whenever you need it. Take a walk or run, or spend some time with a pet or child; it will perk up your spirits to help you feel better. Then go hang out with a sISTA gIRL; spending time with her will definitely put a smile on your face.

If, you are in a great mood and having a good day,do the opposite. Find a friend who needs you and just be there for them. Be a shoulder or an ear. Sometimes just your presence is enough to get them back on their feet and feeling better about themselves or the situation.

Whoever you are today, whichever you do, the one thing I know for sure is ...

I learned this Swedish proverb when I was in high school and have never forgotten it. I guess its because over the years, I have learned that friendships are based in love and love is the greatest healing therapy there is and

.......Wait ......

That was my sISTA gIRL calling me back to make sure I am okay and letting me know where and what time she will meet me tonight. Good. I am out. I 'm gonna go to the park, walk a bit, sit in silence, watch the birds and squirrels, count my blessings and then go and have a drink with my Anam Cara.

Here's wishing you a good life, better days and even better friends. Ciao!!!!!!!!!