Dealing With a Grudge

been thinking a lot lately about friendship, being part of a team and liking people… or not. The Universe has supported me with this by providing me plenty of opportunity to realize some of my ways of thinking and being, on this topic, were wrong so that I could shift my way of thinking. The books I’ve been reading, the guided meditations I have chosen to listen to; they all manage to return me to the place I lately had no desire to visit - my perceptions of people and how I deal with them.

I don’t mean my perceptions of my friends or the people I like. I mean those people who rub me the wrong way… who make the hairs on my neck rise… who make me unconsciously sneer. I am actually thinking of two people. One who I believe snubbed me unnecessarily in a way that felt condescending and trifling. One who was disrespectful in a patronizing, arrogant, holier-than-thou way.

While both of the incidents happened weeks… and months ago. The events still “stick in my craw” - which is shameful. I practice love and kindness, and am working on letting go of things. Yet I have not been able to let go of this. My attitude actually came up during a discussion with a relative. He was surprised that I was holding on to a grudge - a hostile, acrimonious grudge. He was right to be surprised… and disappointed. I was holding onto the grudges with actual pleasure - glee even.

In fact, I was holding onto the grudges, waiting to see the people and… and…. And what? Even I couldn’t say what I was holding on to the grudges for. But I couldn’t seem to let them go. My relative suggested I speak to the people about my issues. But I felt my issues were really too petty for a face-to-face discussion. Why don’t i have a pretend conversation with them, he suggested. I have the conversation as if they were there without actually having them present.

Sure. Why not? Great idea, right? Except I wasn’t there. I wasn’t ready to let go yet. Why? That was the question of the day. Why? I have in the past rarely held a grudge, but these two felt good. I actually got a feel good-feeling from my private little bit of resentment. Shameful and yet still…  it felt good.

When I sat down and really thought about it, I realized it wasn’t the feelings about the incident that were bringing me pleasure, it was the habit. I had held the feelings long enough that I had become accustomed to them. They had taken up residence inside my heart… inside my spirit. That was not good. I am a hoarder and am working on letting go and getting rid of things. Realizing I had done the same thing with my feelings that I did with actual things (hoard and save) really made me re-evaluate things.

I do not want my heart or my spirit filled with negativity of any kind. I want to be filled with love, joy, light, and beauty. The negative feelings I was enjoying were not conducive to the environment I wanted to live in. So I did the work. Separately. For each person… each incident.

I thought about the incident and how it made me feel - remembering the incident like it was yesterday. Then I spoke aloud about the incident  - how it made me feel, all of how I felt. When I finished, I acknowledged my responsibility for the situation, my responsibility for where my feelings had taken me, for who I was being by allowing negative feelings to find space to take root.

Then I sat with all those feelings. I soaked them up, wallowed in them, became them, let them become me. When I was filled with all that “stuff” I let it spew. I said aloud to the invisible person all of my feelings  - about the situation, about them, about our relationship or lack thereof. I spoke until there was nothing left. And then I, feeling lighter and unburdened blew that shit out the door, turned my back and walked away.

A few days later I got sick - congested, sore throat, headache, malaise. It took me a minute, but I realized my body was finally purging itself of all the toxic crap that I was holding on to and didn’t even know. My body was doing what I had done with my heart and spirit - it was getting rid of the toxicity to make space for beautiful, loving possibility. And while I am not feeling my best right now, I know on the other side, I will feel better than ever - new attitude, open heart, loving feelings, while in better health.

As for the incident… what incident. I have totally moved on. What about the two people - well, I have left space for me to see them and treat them as the best renditions of themselves. I will hold them that way and hope they hold me the same. Life is a mirror sometimes and when they hold up the mirror of me, I want them to see love and connection - so that’s what I’m bringing. No matter what they bring. In this aspect of life, it’s all about me and what I’m bring to the table. And I’m bringing LoVe.

It's all about joy!

It's all about Joy

seek the things in life that bring you pleasure -

seek the work, people, and places,

the experiences that bring you pleasure

for pleasure is medicine

seek the things that fill you with love

the work, places, and experiences that fill you with love

the people that fill you with love to overflowing,

for love has the power to heal

know this… pleasure

when accompanied by love

creates a rapturous feeling

a euphoria, a deep-down, divine,

light-shining , light-feeling joy

that is natural and healing

we need it

we crave it.

we seek it.

when it is missing from our lives

we will seek it

continuously and endlessly

when we have it...

when we have that feeling in our lives...

that deep down divine joy...

we are happier and healthier,

our light glows stronger

our love feels warmer

and spreads farther

and the world shines that much brighter

Creating Your Serenity or Sacred Space

Serenity Space

Serenity within you can lead to a serene world outside … especially if that is what you seek, and if you want to experience serenity within, a serenity space will do the job splendidly. A serenity space is an environment or a space that … just being there … fills your being with a sense of peace and comfort.

For me, it would be the back-porch of a home that overlooked water. There would be comfy chairs and plush cushions. There would be music … new age, chants,classical, piano, and soft sad jazz, like Naima by Coltrane. There would be incense and candles, lots of candles - all shapes, all sizes, some scented, some not, and some that crackled like wood in a fireplace. There would be blankets of all thicknesses; all soft and all long enough to wrap myself in. There would be books of prayer and meditation, and prayer beads. Oh, and I would keep a bottle of wine available and a bottle of whiskey. You never know when a glass of wine or a shot of whiskey will come in handy. They can help … and they taste delicious going down.

This serenity space really works for me on many levels. I like having my spot near water as water can be an incredibly tranquil sight. Combine that with the briny smell and the sound of waves crashing against the shore and I am in heaven. But, I need the security of my home for a feeling of safety. A back-porch allows me to separate myself from my house without actually having to leave it. The accessories are items that provide pleasure or comfort or both.

I can see it now. I come home from a long day. I change into something light, airy and comfy. I bring a glass with me out to the back porch … and some matches. I light the candles, turn on the music, pour myself a glass of a full-bodied wine and sit in one of the comfy chairs, while wrapped in one of the soft blankets. Facing the water, listening to the gentle ebb and flow of the tides, inhaling the sea air, leaning back and gazing up into a star-filled night … soon, very soon, I feel my muscles unwind and the tension slip from my limbs. Next, I feel my brain ease into a place of pleasure. Within minutes, I am once again in balance and at peace with my world. Yes, this would be my place of serenity, my sacred space, my place for spirit renewal.

But, I do not live near water.  Thus, for those of us who do not live near water, a back-porch without a view will work just as nicely. Or what about a place with a view of mountains, snow, gardens, or trees. Or a room with photos of tranquil sights hung on the walls and ensconced in attractive picture frames. Whatever room it is, wherever it is, most important is that the room itself makes you feel good.

Once you have the room or space, stock it with necessities and things that bring you pleasure. Not too many things. The room should feel peaceful and serene, not cluttered and cramped.

Serenity is best found when one is sharing space and time with nature so if you can't go to nature, bring some nature into your serenity space. Plants, seashells, flowers, or anything in nature that calms your soul and lifts your spirits is appropriate. Add some music or Serenity Space

Serenity within you can lead to a serene world outside … especially if that is what you seek, and if you want to experience serenity within, a serenity space will do the job splendidly. A serenity space is an environment or a space that … just being there … fills your being with a sense of peace and comfort.

For me, it would be the back-porch of a home that overlooked water. There would be comfy chairs and plush cushions. There would be music … new age, chants, and soft sad jazz, like Naima by Coltrane. There would be incense and candles, lots of candles; all shapes, all sizes, some scented, some not, and some that crackled like wood in a fireplace. There would be blankets of all thicknesses; all soft and all long enough to wrap myself in. There would even be a few books of prayer and meditation and prayer beads. Oh, and I would keep a few bottles of wine available and a bottle of whiskey. You never know when a glass of wine or a shot of whiskey will come in handy. They can help … and they taste delicious going down.

This serenity space really works for me on many levels. I like having my spot near water as water can be an incredibly tranquil sight. Combine that with the briny smell and the sound of waves crashing against the shore and I am in heaven. But, I need the security of my home for a feeling of safety. A back-porch allows me to separate myself from my house without actually having to leave it. The accessories are items that provide pleasure or comfort or both.

I can see it now. I come home from a long day. I change into something light, airy and comfy. I bring a glass with me out to the back porch … and some matches. I light the candles, turn on the music, pour myself a glass of a full-bodied wine and sit in one of the comfy chairs while wrapped in one of the soft blankets. Facing the water, listening to the gentle ebb and flow of the tides, inhaling the sea air, leaning back and gazing up into a star-filled night … soon, very soon, I feel my muscles unwind as the tension slips from my limbs. Next, I feel my brain ease into a place of pleasure. Within minutes, I am once again in balance and at peace with my world. Yes, this would be my place of serenity, my place for spirit renewal.

But, I do not live near water.  Thus, for those of us who do not live near water, a back-porch without a view will work just as nicely. What about a place with a view of mountains, snow, gardens, or trees. Or a room with photos of tranquil sights hung on the walls and ensconced in attractive picture frames. Whatever room it is, wherever it is, most important is that the room itself makes you feel good.

Once you have the room or space, stock it with necessities and things that bring you pleasure. Not too many things. The room should feel peaceful and serene, not cluttered and cramped.

Serenity is best found when one is sharing space and time with nature so if you can't go to nature, bring some nature into your serenity space. Plants, seashells, water or anything in nature that calms your soul and lifts your spirits is appropriate. Add some music and/or table fountains. Both are like a balm of peace to an agitated soul. Fill your room with wonderful smells and scents, like candles, oils, or incense. They can bring the room soothing energies that will help to bring you ease. Finally add to the room whatever gives you pleasure, relaxes your mind or soothes your soul. This will help to give the room a tranquil feel.

Whatever works for you; all that matters is the room gives you a sense of serenity when you need it. You see, we all need a place we can retreat to; a place where we can regain our balance, recharge our energy and even connect with our higher selves. Once you create a beautiful serenity space, just walking past this space will ease your soul.

So, follow your bliss, listen to your spirit, and heed your heart. If you do this, you will create a beautiful serenity space; a space where you can sit, relax, regroup and re-balance. You will create a space that is totally, beautifully, you and it will be good.

when i choose to love

When I Choose to Love

We are made from love… by love… to love. With love, we have everything. Without love we are without… just… without.

When I choose to love, I allow myself the opportunity to be open, to share my vulnerability, to trust myself and others, and to get connected

When I choose to love, I honor the light, love, beauty, and joy within you because it is also within me.

When I share my light, love, beauty, and joy, I honor all that I was created to be… I honor all that I am as I honor you.

When I choose to love, when I choose to share, and when I allow myself these opportunities, I begin to look at you and the world differently. I actually begin to see you.

In seeing you, I recognize there is no difference between us. We are one… and we are the same - in all our perfection and imperfections

When we become one, our light shines brighter, or love flows stronger, our beauty blossoms wildly, and our joy becomes vibrant.

When I choose love, I also choosing to act from a place of love.

When I choose to act from a place of love, I am choosing kindness - to do a kindness, to be kindness. Kindness is an active expression of love.

When I choose to be kind to myself, I am choosing to love myself. When I choose to be kind to others, I am choosing to love them.

When I choose to be kind, I am choosing love.

And so…  I choose to love. And when I love, my heart recognizes your heart and when I do a kindness, my soul honors your soul.

When we live in a world of love, when love is our first choice, when we see each other, and when we honor each other… our souls begin to recognize and touch each other. And in the end, isn’t that what we want? Your heart to recognize my heart… your soul to recognize my soul.