we're back

i know it's been a minute. i bet most of you have forgotten sISTA gIRLS has a blog. Well we do. I write about once or twice a week depending on my moods and what I need to get off my chest. I love it when you respond to the blog and offer suggestions. It doesn't happen, often but when it does, i hear and acknowledge.

so... happy belated new year and all that. i hope you all have been well, that you enjoyed the holidays, are gearing up for Valentine's day (if you celebrate), are okay.

i hope you are enjoying winter, freshly falling snow, cold moonlit nights, snuggling under warm blankets, hot toddies, and comfy sweaters and robes.

we here at sISTA gIRLS have been busy preparing to become a real company. we are... hopefully... going to put out calendars and minibooks, and create a real opportunity for women of all ages, cultures, walks of life, and races to meet and get to know each other and thereby... create long-lasting, strong, supportive friendships.

one of our long-term goals is a wild woman weekend of fun, laughter, good times and memories. one of our short term goals is a "get to know one another" luncheon. we will keep you posted as things begin to fall into place... if things begin to fall in place.

in the meantime, i shall re-post some of our prior posts to spark your memories and give you a feel for what we want to share with you in the future. PLEASE feel free to like, share, pass along, offer suggestions and enjoy.

take care of you

an updated blog post - poems, prayers and reflection for sista girls

Even sISTA gIRLS sometimes need a little prayer... especially on a rainy day. Rainy days cause me to pause and reflect. Today, on this first day of November - a month of thankfulness and gratitude, please keep us and ours in your prayers... as we keep you and yours uplifted in prayer. We are spreading smiles and love this November, knowing the world will right up and all will be well. In the meantime, here is a little poem to fill your day.

Hope is a bird singing before the sun does rise

Hope is a flower’s fragrance even sweeter as it dies

Hope is a brilliant sky that preludes that day’s end

Hope is a “really, you too” that signals a new friend

Hope is a thing inspired on a warm and sunny day

Hope is a thing desired when the sunshine’s gone away

Hope is the thing you turn to when your life’s about to bust

Hope is a thing believed in when there’s nothing left to trust

and here is a prayer to fill your heart and spirit

may your day be filled with friends and laughter

may your weekend be filled with family and goodness

may your body be filled with good health

may your heart be filled with light and loving kindness

may your world be filled with beauty

may your soul be filled with peace and joy

may life be filled with sunshine

may your life overflow with happiness and love

and may you always have  sISTA gIRLS to share it all with

LOVE YOU ALL ... TAKE CARE ... until tomorrow

How to handle a bad day

WE all have bad days. Days when the issues in our life overwhelm us. Days when we want to run screaming from life while pulling our hair out. We know, however, that is not the answer. What should we do instead? When I am having a bad day I try to find time to go out, take a walk, clear my head, release my frustrations. I try to spend some time in meditation and some time in nature, be grateful for my blessings. Then, when i am done, I usually feel better. Meditation calms me, waling in nature clears my head and gratitude fills me with joy. Some days it works like a charm, some days it is not so good. But, for the most part, when I am done I feel better.

 However I feel, when I am done I check to see if my sISTA gIRL is available to go have drinks, or eat, or just spend time with me. She usually knows what I am dealing with. She listens to my troubles, doesn't always say a lot ... just lets me vent. She is a great friend. She is my kindred spirit, my sister, my Anam Cara.

Today, if you are having a bad day ... go commune with nature. it will calm you and remind you of the beauty in the world and your many blessings. Take some time to be in silence, it will allow you to hear your inner voice of calm and remind you that peace is within you whenever you need it. Take a walk or run, or spend some time with a pet or child; it will perk up your spirits to help you feel better. Spend some time in gratitude. Being grateful for the things you already have, the people presently in your life, and the things that ARE going right, help to balance the tables and bring you some joy. Then go hang out with a sISTA gIRL; spending time with her will definitely put a smile on your face.

If, you are in a great mood and having a good day, do the opposite. Find a friend who needs you and just be there for them. Be a shoulder or an ear. Sometimes just your presence is enough to get them back on their feet and feeling better about themselves or the situation.

Whoever you are today, whichever you do, the one thing I know for sure is ...

I learned this Swedish proverb when I was in high school and have never forgotten it. I guess its because over the years, I have learned that friendships are based in love and love is the greatest healing therapy there is and

.......Wait ......

That was my sISTA gIRL calling to make sure I am okay and asking if I want to hang out tonight. You know I said yes. And now, I am out. I love autumn days like this... sunny and not too cold. I 'm gonna go to the park, walk a bit, sit in silence, watch the birds and squirrels, count my blessings and then hang out with my Anam Cara.

Here's wishing you a good life, better days and even better friends. Ciao!!!!!!!!!

another rainy day memory

It rained yesterday and I thought how much I like rain. I like when it mists and when it thunders. So long as I don’t have to drive I am good. I will walk in the rain, play in the rain; but I don’t like driving in the rain. I have lots of memories of wonderful things I have done in the rain. I think of them on days like this.

I remember this one birthday my girlfriend had. She was turning twenty-something … an early twenty number I can’t remember. A bunch of us, all friends, decided to take her to the city (Manhattan) for a birthday lunch. I can’t remember where we ate; but I remember how much fun we had. This was back in the early eighties when going to the city was a big deal. It meant getting dressed in a nice outfit and being on your best behavior. It was such a special occasion; we ordered drinks with our meal. I think we each had two and came away from the restaurant a little tipsy.

 When we left it was still early; the sun was just beginning to set. It was a cool spring day and we were all in a great mood; trying to decide where we would go next. As we walked and talked, it started to rain. We all started talking at once about the movie “Singing in the Rain” and the scene in which Gene Kelly actually dances in the rain with an umbrella. One of my girlfriends spots a lamppost and dares me to dance as Gene did. Why me? Well, I had taken dance lessons and tap lessons for years so if any one of us was going to do it, it would have to be me. “Okay.” I agreed, but only if they joined me.

Then there, in the middle of a block in Manhattan, I, followed by my friends, opened my umbrella and began singing and dancing in the rain. What a blast that was! I can still picture us laughing and dancing and jumping around, and laughing some more! Now some of you may say … “only in New York” but I say … “only with friends”. The best part of this memory … the women I danced with that day are still my friends today. We have been through a lot but we still know how to dance and sing in the rain.

Do you have a favorite rain memory? Share it with us.

the rough side and friends

When my daughter was very young, we experienced a major tragedy. She dealt with it by burying herself in books. My friends and I dealt with it by playing music, lots of music. At that time, we played a lot of gospel music. My daughter’s favorite song, back then, was "I’m Going up the Rough Side of the Mountain".

One day I asked her why she liked the song so much. She said that the people who go up the rough side of the mountain are really lucky. They have rocks and things to hold on to   and to put their feet on and those rocks and things allow the climbers to get to the top. But, those going up the smooth side will never get to the top because the smooth side has nothing to hold on to and nowhere to put your feet. All those people will do is slide back down to the bottom. She said those who go up the rough side of the mountain are supposed to go over to the smooth side of the mountain to help up those who can’t get up there on their own.

What is that expression …“Out of the mouths of babes”?

So on this first Tuesday of Autumn, may this be your moment of meditation …

Today let us befriend at least one of those going up the smooth side of the mountain.

Today let us reach down to help a fellow climber up the smooth side of the mountain to the mountaintop.

Today, if we are the one going up the smooth side, let us be “friended” by a fellow climber at the top.

Let us …then … enjoy the kindness of a friend who will help us to the mountaintop.

Let us all be grateful for the journey and the blessings along the way

Let us be grateful for the rough side of the mountain and the opportunity to make it to the top.

Let us all be grateful for friends

share* comment* read more* come again

Extending The Hand of Friendship

I ran into an old acquaintance today and it made me think of when we met.it was several years ago, at a friend's place of business. I thought she was very nice and we seemed to have a lot in common. She even lived right across the street from a family member. which meant easy access. I thought it was a good fit. She was new to the neighborhood and asked if we could get together. I said absolutely. I thought it would be fun and I thought we could be friends. But as always happens with me, things got in the way and we never actually hooked up. So when we ran into each other today, we laughed and were very friendly but that spark of potential … of shared intimacy was gone.

 I must admit, as we parted, I felt a twinge of disappointment for what could have been or what might have been. We could have been friends. We could have been “come on over and let’s sit together and have tea “pals; Or better yet … “I’m barbequing, why don’t you stop by” friends.Or even, "Hey, let's do lunch" friends. But we never did. She did invite me over once when she ran into me and I did invite her out once because I ran into her. But that was a long time ago, neither ever happened, and that’s not the same as me dropping by to invite her out or her calling to invite me over just because. And that’s what friends do.

I can’t really blame her and I can’t really blame myself. Life gets in the way. New friendships require more effort than older friendships or at least a different type of effort. The calling and visiting of an older friend is as natural as breathing. Newer friendships or the attempting to become friends takes patience, persistence and remembrance. It is not yet a natural experience. If it doesn't happen when opportunity is knocking, sometimes it just never happens.

I must admit, sometimes when I see her, I am tempted to say “let’s meet and do lunch or dinner”. But it is years later. She may say no and not suggest we try another time. She may ask me “why” and I will feel uncomfortable. She might say yes and we discover we are not compatible. In the end, I am a coward when it comes to making friends....especially at this late stage in the game. But, I know that fear is a choice and I can choose to ignore the emotion and opt for a better way. I can extend the hand of friendship.  Who knows where the gesture might lead.

The next time I see her, I am going to push past the fear and invite her out. She may say no but she might say yes. Whatever she says, I will be proud of myself for taking the time and making the effort. I will release the past – not making the effort. I will not anticipate the future – that maybe she will say no or that it will be terrible. I will make the conscious choice to take a leap of loving faith by staying focused on the present –that I am content with this choice.

How many of you out there know someone you think you might want to be friends with? Next time you see him or her, extend the hand of friendship. Suggest coffee, or lunch, or drinks. She may belong to The Race That Knows Joseph. She may eventually become an Anam Cara friend. If so, you will have made a good choice. If not, at least you gave it your best effort and you have overcome a fear; which is something you should be proud of.

I am willing to give it a go. Let’s do it together. Okay sISTA gIRLS. It might be great!

what else is friendship

A friend is defined as a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. So friendship is when two people know each other well, and like and trust each other. For me, friendship is a relationship between two people that demands time and effort and requires empathy, honesty and putting aside your pride. It provides support and comfort in good times and bad and it keeps you happy.

            Friendship is more than just being happy together or sharing in good times. Sometimes one of you may say or do something hurtful to the other. In a good friendship; you face the problem together, work out a solution together and forgive and let go. In a good friendship, you protect, love, and accept each other, you don’t judge each other. You may argue with each other from time to time, but you come together again. In a good friendship all this works because a good friendship is also about surviving bad times together.

            What else is friendship? It is having a person in your life you can trust completely. It is realizing that someone else wants the best for you. It is being together without needing to pretend. It is having someone you can call at any time knowing they will be happy to hear from you. It is sharing your grief and your happiness with another. It is helping solve each other’s problems. It is sharing your dreams, hopes, and secrets together. It is helping out and expecting nothing in return. It is having fun through everyday life together. It is finding time for each other. It is being so in tune with each other, you know each other feelings and understand the why of them; and you can finish each other’s sentences and thoughts.

A true friendship, a good friendship; is an enjoyable relationship that makes all involved in it happy and ... without one in your life; it is a lot harder to maintain. A true friendship fills your heart, your spirit and your soul. It is a gift you choose to give yourself knowing it will keep on giving as you keep on giving. And that is good.

what i really learned about friendship in high school

I was thinking about what to write the other day and I remembered this girl I went to high school with. She blew through a bunch of us girls like wind on a wintry day and then one day we looked up and she was gone leaving a path of destruction like I had never seen before and have not seen often since.

She started with the oldest of us and ticked us off one by one, pitting us against one another, challenging our friendship with each other. I was the youngest of the group. When it was my turn, I was unprepared for her special brand of magnetism and attraction. I fell and I fell hard.

She was tall and slim. She had a head full of jet black hair, wore huge, black rimmed glasses and talked a mile a minute. She laughed a lot, had a smile that lit a room, and leaned her head in real close when she had something to tell you and looked you right in the eye when you were sharing something with her. She made you feel special and everyone wanted to be friends with her. At least in the beginning.

I still remember the day she decided she wanted to be my friend. She sought me out in the cafeteria and sat next to me, pulling her chair close to mine. She said she had been trying for a while to be friends with me but I was so popular she thought I would not want her for a friend. She was smooth and while her statement was not true, it sure made me feel good. I knew who she was. I knew all the people she had been friends with and since I did not know how those had ended (until later), I was honored she wanted to talk to me.

It lasted a week. We walked to classes together, sat together at lunch and talked on the telephone at home. She made me feel special. She said she had never had a friend like me, she only wanted me and we would be best friends forever. I was super happy and forgot all about my other friends … all for her. And it was wonderful. We were best friends forever … well … for one week … my week. And then she moved on.

My friends saw us together and tried to warn me about her. I paid them no mind. They were jealous of us, of the fact that she wanted to be my friend and mine alone. My friends gave up and let me go with a smile of understanding. I gloated about my luck but they knew I would be back.

They were right. She was not a real friend; she was not my real friend. Heck, she was not a friend at all … much less a real friend. At the end of my week I waited for her at our spot and she was not there, After each class, I looked for her but she was not there. At lunch I looked for her and she was not there. Feeling lonely, I went to sit with the friends I had abandoned for my new best friend. They welcomed me as though nothing had happened and I was grateful. While we laughed together, my “best friend” showed up with her new best friend and totally ignored me. She acted as though I didn't exist and my heart was crushed. Everyone at the table was polite to her but did not invite her to join us.  She flounced away from us without a care, laughing together with her new best friend.

When she left I was broken-hearted. But my actual friends felt for me and told me how she had tried to do the same with each one of them with mixed success. The older girls had not trusted her. She had worked her magic on us younger girls. As I listened to them, I learned valuable friend information that day. It still works today.

      True friends spend time with others as well as each other because they know that more friends means more fun

      True friends are not jealous of other friends because true friendship lasts

      Spending all your time with one person, only, is not healthy … there is sooo much out there to enjoy

      If someone drops a friend to be with you, they’ll drop you to be friends with someone else.

      Don’t turn your back on your true friends or take them for granted, it hurts. But if you do, true friends will understand and forgive … and take you back.

I still follow these today.

SO … thanks to all my high school sISTA gIRLS. I still love ya!

"What, you too" friends

this is the last throw-back. if you enjoy it and have the time...please check out some of our very first posts...and share us with others. And thank you for taking this friendship journey with us.

Friendship is one big conversation. We talk on the phone, in each other's home, over dinner, over drinks, in school, at work. In the beginning of a friendship we try to find areas where we agree. But as we go along and begin to trust each other we learn that disagreeing is okay and will not dissolve a friendship that is true.

C.S. Lewis describes this the best ... “Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, "What? You too? I thought I was the only one." 

... It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision - it is then that Friendship is born. And instantly they stand together in an immense solitude.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

I am never sure which is better, spending time with acquaintances and discovering a friendship or spending time in the beauty of a friendship that has lasted a lifetime.Just as there is something to be said for the new dress you put on in anticipation of the day and the reactions you will get, there is the comfort that slides over you as you put on your favorite robe and curl up with a good book. Each has its unique delight. 

Still, most times when we talk about friendships, we talk about the lasting ones. So, today, instead ... we will honor new friendships. Specifically the "you too" moment when you realize you can indeed be friends.

She, being friendless and feeling alone.

Choose this day to explore.

Casting care to the wind,

She set out walking.

She eventually found herself in a park

Birds were singing, couples were strolling

The sun was shining

 But shadows were lengthening

A mime was performing

All in white, even his face

A performer, dressed all in blue,

 Was singing a sad song … beautifully

She stopped to watch and listen.

Then, caught up in the beauty of the moment,

And much to her surprise,

She began to cry.

Embarrassed, she looked around

The woman standing next to her,

Was offering her a tissue.

“Would you like a hankie?”

‘Thank you for your kindness”

She smiled as she reached for the tissue.

Surprised by the kindness,

She looked up at the gifter.

What she saw took her aback

For the woman was also crying

“You too …” she said, a smile breaking thru

And in that moment a friendship was born

a short sISTA gIRL story shared

this has been sort of a throwback week. i have been updating some very old posts that few people read because it was at the beginning of our journey together, here is another. but, when you get a minute, please read some of the older blogs. they were pretty interesting.

“She is a friend of mind. 

She gather me, man.

 The pieces I am, 

she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order.

 It’s good, you know,

 when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind. “

 - Toni Morrison -

A little while back i got into a bit of a situation because I was, as usual, preoccupied. The situation became a problem for me but I was reluctant to share my story, even with my sISTA gIRL. It took me a while, but eventually I told her of my situation. My sISTA gIRL did what she does best. she did not condemn me and, did not blame me. She also did not get mad at me for taking so long to tell her. Instead, she jumped into action, doing what she could to help me out of the jam I had gotten myself into.

She knew I already felt bad about the situation and while I did tell her I will do my best to make sure I don't get in such a jam again, she just listened and acted. Now this is not to say she won't let me know when I have messed up because she will; but she knows when it is okay to judge, criticize and teach and when it is time to just be there. This was one of those times I needed her to just be there and she was. Rest assured... I would do the same for her (and have).

We are more than just kindred spirits; we belong to the Race of Joseph. We are Anam Cara friends and I am grateful for her presence in my life. She is indeed a sISTA gIRL!

Share with us your sISTA gIRL stories.

-- photograph by Rodney Smith --

being there

I know there are those of you out there in the world who are lonely or troubled. May we here at sISTA gIRLS Cafe be there for you. May we be your rock and your shoulder ... if not in person at least in spirit. 

But even I know that is not enough. You must find a way to be there for yourself. For those of you who are lonely, find a church or an organization that interests you and join. Be kind and friendly. Extend the hand of friendship to a fellow member. I am certain it will be received warmly and honestly. Or volunteer to help out somewhere, giving is always rewarded ... as is kindness. Moreover, you will have a good time. Nothing is more rewarding than helping another. It also helps to take your mind off your own problems.

For those of you who are troubled, remember ... we all go through things and even the happiest of people have down days. But, today is a perfect day to begin to heal yourself. Take a walk in the sunshine,let the wind caress your cheeks and play with your hair. Stretch your muscles and fill your lungs with the energy of the world around you. Walking is good for the body and spending time out in the sun is good for you spirit. It can be a real spirit lifter. 

As you walk, enjoy the scenery and say a quick thank you for all the sights you wish to experience ... couples in love, couples with children, those well dressed, those in great shape ... whatever it is. By appreciating others with what you have, you let the universe know what is in your heart so that it can bring your heart's desire to you. What we are grateful for we get more of.

Enjoy today having faith in the possibility of tomorrow. And know that we at the Cafe love you and have your back. We were here yesterday, are here today and we will be here tomorrow.  AND ... In The Meantime ...

May you be have happy and loving friendships

That your heart might remain open

May your friendships fill you with the confidence to be you

That the light of your true nature might shine forth because of their acceptance of you

May acceptance remove all traces of shame from you, replacing that shame with the joy of self acceptance

That their acceptance might help you to allow others to reveal their true nature to you without shame

May your friendships be healing

That you might become a source of healing for others

May your friendships fill you with trust

That trust might allow you to express yourself openly and honestly to yourself and others

May you be filled with a light and loving heart

That your love might fill the air with beauty and kindness 

May you be happy

That your happiness might radiate from you to fill the world with sunshine

kindred spirits revisited

thought i would update an older post and share it with all of you.

I often refer to true friendship as Anam Cara.  When i do that, I do not mean a “like-minded” friendship, i am referring a rarer friendship. I think of like-minded friends as “kindred spirits”. The dictionary defines a kindred spirit as “an individual with the same beliefs, attitudes, or feelings as oneself”. While the word “like-minded” is a combination of two Greek words, “isos” which means “equal” and “psuche” which means “soul”. The complete meaning of “like-minded” therefore is “equal soul”. When you have  a kindred spirit friendship you are friends with an equal soul or someone just like yourself.

I do enjoy having friends who are like-minded. Indeed, a kindred spirit is fun to have; but how do you learn and grow if you share the same feelings, beliefs and attitudes. In order to grow as a person, we must be challenged. That is what a soul mate friend does. My favorite explanation of soul mates comes from “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. She writes, “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.”

She goes on to say, “ A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…”

I have a friend like that. She makes me crazy because she tells me the truth about myself whether I like it or not. I listen because I know she loves me and has my best interest at heart. That is a true friend. One who loves you in spite of who you are and is willing to tell you when you need to get it together. Better than that, after she tells, she not only reminds you that she loves you, she shows you. And best, she allows you the privilege of doing the same with her. This is how you grow. Friendship is best when it allows you to grow into the best you that you can be; when it allows you to grow into a loving being ... open to loving for and from others. That is the kind of friendship I have with her. 

In the end, we need both types of  friends  we need like-minded friends or kindred spirits and we need soul mate friends. Friends who see things from our perspective and friends who see where our perspectives can take us. They both love us for who we are and allow us to freely be who that is. Those are the friendships I wish for all of you.

solivagants and their friends

So many of us believe we solivagant - wander alone - through the world. we are believers and dreamers. we  are seekers of light and beauty and serenity. we hope eternally and give love easily. we get our hearts broken and yet continue to love. we fall down and pick ourselves up. we get broken open and find ways to heal ourselves all while trying to help and heal others. we wear rose-colored glasses and refuse to take them off... even when the world tries to beat the light out of us.  and when the world does manage to plunges us into darkness, we find a way to turn on our light.

those of us who solivagant need friends who see into our hearts and understand how we try to survive on our own, how we keep our rose-colored glasses close to our hearts and believe things will all work out. we need people who realized we are strong because of our softness and vulnerability and not in spite of. we need people who know we willingly take on the world for those we love and those in need. we need people who will help us to pick up the pieces when our hearts ...again... break open as life reminds us that it can be a cruel task master.

friends help us to laugh at ourselves, see the lighter side of life. friends remind us to look after ourselves and to do for ourselves for a change. friends help us to live in the real world while  allowing us to dream and share our dreams. because we don't just dream for ourselves we have dreams to spare. friends help us to wake from our dreams and return from our wanderings even if we even if only for a little while

so here's to the dreamers and wanderers; know....  you keep the world full of hope and ever aware. here's to their friends ...you remind them they don't dream alone and don't wander without you keeping tabs on where they are. and here's to all of you on your journeys. may you get there together, each in your own way.

She who solivagants

Is free like the wind

Unsoiled by dirt like the lotus

A light in darkness like the moon

But she is only so until caught

Only alone until sought

Quiet until thought

Rushes in where there was naught

But she just wandering alone

Querencia... friends who are a place of home

So I learned this GREAT word yesterday - QUERENCIA. It was defined as “a place from which one’s strength is drawn; where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self”. I thought it was Spanish and so I looked it up in the Merriam –Webster Dictionary to see how Americans defined the word. It said “an area in the arena taken by the bull for a defensive stand in a bullfight”. Not quite the same definition.

When I read the American definition, I wondered at the difference. Was it a difference in perception, a difference in nuance, or a difference in culture? I searched online and found a site that defined the word from a Spanish perspective. It said…” In Spain, it is the place in the ring where the wounded bull goes to renew his strength and center himself, ready for a fresh charge…a place in which we know exactly who we are; the place from which we speak our deepest beliefs.” 

I like this definition and thought –what a wonderful concept. It defines that which we, as Americans have no word for.  In fact, the author goes on to further define the word. She says… “In Spanish, “querencia” describes a place where one feels safe, a place from which one’s strength of character is drawn, a place where one feels at home. It comes from the verb “quere”, which means to desire, to want.”

I love that. She goes even further in her explanation of the word. She speaks about the bull in the fight and what happens to the bull once he gets wounded. She continues, “The wounded bull retreated to a spot to the left of the gate through which he had entered, to rest, it seemed. He had found his querencia: a place where he felt safe and was therefore at his most dangerous. The matador tries not to let the bull find this place, because it increases the danger to himself. For the bull, it is a place where he believes he can survive this unfair game. Unfortunately and cruelly, he almost never does. It is said that if the same bull were to fight more than once in the ring, every matador would die; once an animal learns the game and stands in his power, he cannot be defeated.”

I understand why we don’t have a comparable word in the American language; we do not have bull fights. But for many of us, life is a bullfight and we are the bull. Thankfully, we do not die every time we step into the ring of life. Thankfully, most of us have a querencia to go to. A place where we can lick our wounds, heal and come out fighting once again. A place where we can process what we have learned so we don’t continue to make the same mistakes. A place where we can regroup, refocus and gain a proper perspective. A place from which we, like the bull, can finally learn the game of life and then stand in our power confident we can never be defeated.

 So I am grateful for having learned this word. It defines that which we, as Americans have no word for. It is the place where we renew and strengthen ourselves. It is the thing that helps us feel safe. It is the person, or people with whom we feel at home.  For indeed, we know with whom and where we feel most at home. Our bodies tell us, if we listen. There are certain seasons during which we feel more at ease, certain things we rely on to center us and keep us at ease, certain times of day when we feel safe and more relaxed, certain climates, certain foods…even the clothes we wear help us feel more at home.

In learning this word, I realize I have also found a new way to describe the friends with whom I feel at home, the friends with whom I can be my most authentic me, the friends I go to when I have been broken to help me pick up and glue back my pieces. They are my querencia. It is good to know when the world is a bull fight and someone has waved the red flag, if I come out charging but lose the battle, they will be there to help me clean my wounds and will stay with me while my wounds heal to merely scars so that I may go on again. And I hope they/you all know that I am their/your querencia as well.

rummaging through my mind... thoughts on the greatness of women and being friends

we are all just gorgeous chaos. we want to live lives of wild, carefree abandon. but responsibilities, bills, and life steps in and attempts to force a yoke upon us. many of us rebel or  fight back. but not enough of us. we are all beautiful, inside and out. but society's expectations and the expectations of those we know force us to deny our beauty and adopt the beauty imposed by those who are also not happy with themselves. 

but we... women... we find ways to rise above the malaise of daily existence and the potential humdrum of living. we wear our hearts on our sleeves, share our minds with those willing to listen, and allow our spirits to dwell in places of serenity for relaxation. we dance in the rain, sing in public and laugh out loud. we write poetry from our souls, paint from our hearts, sculpt reality into fantasy, and create music to love by. we love easily, rarely lose hope, take on the problems of many. we strive to help those in need and to heal those in pain. all we ask in return is a safe have in times of stress, to be loved for who we are. to be truly understood, to be seen beyond the masks we wear, and to not be laughed at when our masks slip in public.

we are flawed in our beauty, tremulous in our courage, and imperfect in our striving for perfection. we are cracked, broken and often spit upon by the world. but we will fight for those we love and run headfirst into battle to protect the weaker, younger, inexperienced, naive, and unaware. we allow our light to shine through our cracks, use our brokenness to inspire others and turn the spits into stepping stones.

but we don't do this alone, we are not in this by ourselves. we are each other's friends, and as friends; we are each other's candle- we light the way through the darkness of life. our friendships are the wings that help us soar over the inequalities of existing. our friendships keep our hope breathing and our love vibrant. we... as friends... keep each others songs and share each others dreams. we remember each other's stories - the good and the bad. we are each others backbones and we hold each other up when our own legs fail us.

there is an amazing passage from the audio and dvd version of the secret that causes my heart to swell with joy and exhilaration every time i hear it. it describes us and our friendships. i would like to share it with you...

"I believe that you’re great, that there’s something magnificent about you. Regardless of what has happened to you in your life, regardless of how young or how old you think you might be, the moment you began to think properly there’s something within you, there’s power within you that’s greater than the world, it will begin to emerge, it will take over your life, it will feed you, it will clothe you, it will guide you, protect you, direct you, sustain your very existence, if you let it. Now that is what I know for sure"

you... my friends... my sISTA gIRLS. You are GREATNESS. never forget this. now go forth and show the world just how amazing you are.

the good and bad of friendship

"Love allows understanding to dawn, and understanding is precious. Where you are understood, you are at home. Understanding nourishes belonging. When you really feel understood, you feel free to release yourself into the trust and shelter of the other person’s soul."

--John O'Donohue

Friendship is an amazing thing. it can take you to heights amazing and places you thought you'd never see or leave you alone at the shores of life. it can crash against the waves of a storm or sail smoothly on into the horizon. it affects each and every person on this planet whether we choose it to or not. even the meaning of friendship and its importance touches every aspect of our lives. check out some of the words of an old school jam by Whodini a rap group from the 1980's...

Friends

How many of us have them?

Friends

Ones we can depend on

Friends

How many of us have them?

Friends

Before we go any further, lets be

Friends*

Is a word we use everyday

Most the time we use it in the wrong way

Now you can look the word up, again and again

But the dictionary doesn't know the meaning of friends

And if you ask me, you know, I couldn't be much help

Because a friend is somebody you judge for yourself

Some are OK, and they treat you real cool

But some mistake kindness for bein' a fool

We like to be with some, because they're funny

Others come around when they need some money

Some you grew up with, around the way

And you're still real close too this very day

Homeboys through the Summer, Winter, Spring and Fall

And then there's some we wish we never knew at all

And this list goes on, again and again

But these are the people that we call friends

Appreciate the good friends you have and hold the memories sacred. those friendships that did not work are stepping stones in your life. blow away all the debris surrounding them and then place them at your feet and use the lessons you learned from them to help you in your other friendships to help them become better than ever.